Getting Worse

I don't think this is going to go away. I used to tell myself that I can know for sure I'll get better because there was a time I wasn't like this. So if I was normal once I can be normal again. But I haven't been normal in 17 yrs!!! The last time I was normal I was six! I don't even know if that was even me anymore. Maybe that small six-year window of normalcy is a figment of my imagination and this DP I've been living in for most of my life is actually reality. That would make more sense wouldn't it? I mean that is what I face everyday... that is my reality.

I don't even question things anymore. I'm just at work like yeah this is really scary. I feel like I'm on another planet. I want to die. But no, if I ignore it it will go away. I don't know who I am or what I am, but I don't care anymore. I've stopped fighting. I don't avoid things anymore, I face shit head on, but still the fear stays. I've improved in a lot of ways, but none of it matters cuz I still feel the same.