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Getting Worse

1891 Views 21 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  Phill
I don't think this is going to go away. I used to tell myself that I can know for sure I'll get better because there was a time I wasn't like this. So if I was normal once I can be normal again. But I haven't been normal in 17 yrs!!! The last time I was normal I was six! I don't even know if that was even me anymore. Maybe that small six-year window of normalcy is a figment of my imagination and this DP I've been living in for most of my life is actually reality. That would make more sense wouldn't it? I mean that is what I face everyday... that is my reality.

I don't even question things anymore. I'm just at work like yeah this is really scary. I feel like I'm on another planet. I want to die. But no, if I ignore it it will go away. I don't know who I am or what I am, but I don't care anymore. I've stopped fighting. I don't avoid things anymore, I face shit head on, but still the fear stays. I've improved in a lot of ways, but none of it matters cuz I still feel the same.
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I already have a therapist and a psychiatrist, but thanks anyway.
Thanks everyone for your replies. Sojourner... so do you think I should be hypnotized?? Cuz I've always thought something really bad must have happened to me when I was little and that's how I got this way... and your posts kinda reaffirmed this belief. I think that's the only way I can face the pain cuz I try digging for the source of this pain myself, but I can never get to it.

Phill... I wish I could look forward to being with God forever, but quite honestly he scares me. I'm not completely positive he exists and if he does exist I'm not sure if I like him very much. And now I feel guilty for writing that but he already knows what I'm thinking right? So I'm probably already damned to Hell.
Well my pain isn't buried, but the cause of it is... the cause of the DP is.

I was raised Christian... not any particular denomination though. I don't have Christian friends. I don't really have any friends at all now that I think of it... well a few that I hardly see.

I used to read a lot of Christian self-help books when I was younger. I am in therapy now and my therapist is Christian actually, but he doesn't usually talk about his faith in our sessions unless I ask about it.
My therapist is using CBT. We constantly talk about my feelings. He is always encouraging it, I just find it hard to describe them accurately. I am female and he is male, but I've been with him forever and think I've come along farther with him than with any other therapist.

You say you have no symptoms of mental illness... so you mean to say you are completely DP free??

I would like to see another therapist in addition to this one but I don't know how my insurance would work for that.
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