Getting Better or Getting Worse?

So I've been having a weird couple days. I feel unreal, and then i'll feel ok for a few seconds, and then i'll snap back into the dr/dp, and then ok, and then I'll think about how i felt last week when I had the worst experience I'd had, and start thinking about what my mind felt like then and if i was going back into it. It's on like this constant five second over and over replay, back and forth, and it is exhausting. Does this sound at all hopeful, or is it just another aspect of this beast?
Also, does anyone have any thougths as too why i would keep almost forcing myself/bringing myself back to those feelings of the utmost fear that I had those few days, knowing that they will upset me and start me worrying again. It's almost like I'm trying to make myself get them again, even though i dont' want them (or do i, in some f'd up way?) And for those of you who have recovered/gotten better, is it like a constant battle in your head when you first start to force yourself to focus on things around you, a battle in your subconcious while you fight the dr? Sorry if I'm rambling a bit, I'm a bit tired, but I've been thinking about these things a lot tonight.