Freaking out

876 Views 5 Replies 4 Participants Last post by Da'Burgh, Jun 25, 2005

M A R S

Discussion Starter · Jun 24, 2005

I have felt like this in the past, having suffered for years with DP/DR. I have had many trips to the ER with crippling panic attacks since I was 9, the worst of my life starting in my late teens were from smoking pot. I was convinced by the time I was 24 I was crazy and that?s when I got addicted to benzos and went to rehab. But I fought back to some kind of normalcy

I was doing OK for a long time.

But this past week has been real hard.

The other night after a long and hard night of drinking i woke up a nightmare and i was freaking out. I felt like i was still in the dream, this went on all that day. And for the past few days i have been feeling like I'm in a dream and I'm forgetting what reality is. I don't feel normal at all. I feel like I?m lost from reality, forgetting what?s real and living in a dream state.

At other times i feel like my mind is racing. Like I'm on coke or speed. I have had a real hard life and done a lot of drugs. I'm only 31 but i feel like my mind is shot.

Some history about myself, the short version

:

When I was 9 I was viciously mauled by a pit bull, I was the only white kid in an all black town and received many beatings and was the target of many racial slurs.

At 17 I became a full time drunk and pot head, steeling cars, shop lifting and more..

When i was 19 my brother died of a drug overdose, when i was 21 my mother died of cancer and my father left home with in 4 weeks to live with a new woman and i was all alone for the first time in my life.

Then my other brother moved in and he was addicted to smack and pills and had HIV. He died of a drug over dose in 2000 when i was 26.

Thought out this time since the day my mother died my girlfriend has been living with me. But at the same time she is also living her own life.

In the winter of 2004/2005 i herniated a disk in my back and was bed ridden for all of February and most of March. I'm still not right i could hardly walk because of the pain in my right leg. I'm still in pain now, but i can function.

I went to the DR in March and was told i have diabetes and liver damage from years of drinking. So i drank harder then ever and started smoking weed again.

I feel like a freak and and lost...

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, suicide is becoming an option in my mind. I feel like a freak and a chronic complainer. All i do is tell my girl friend and my friends how I'm freaking out. Now they just say OK. I feel like i cried wolf to many times and now I'm phucked..

I'm sorry for this rant, I'm sure i don't even make any sense....

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bright23

· #3 · Jun 24, 2005

Hey Space ?

I really relate to your story. I suffered an early trauma ? suiced of my eldest brother 14 years ago. I became a substance abuser in response and DP came soon after. Then after many years major depression?suicide ideation?hospitalization?the works.

I have been completely sober 1 year from all drugs and alcohol and my life is really turning around. I can't believe it myself. I'm 33 years old. You can definitely do it too. There is help available but you have to make those first few painful steps by yourself. You probably know by now you've got a problem you can't fix by yourself.

Once you get sober it will get easier and you will feel better and depression will lift. But you have to confront your addiction head on. Get help, there's a lot out there.

Good luck. You can be free of this. I know it.

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bright23

· #5 · Jun 25, 2005

My DP symptoms have been gone for seven years, but I still managed to stay a drug addict all the way through until a year ago. Major Depression took over as my primary issue after my last DP episode. Passing the torch shall we say. I could have saved myself 7 years of the same day in day out using drugs misery and dealt with the underlying self-hate, but I suppose I really liked to see myself suffer.

It was an agonizing and truly wasteful 7 years. My life has changed dramatically since my last bowl of weed and my last bottle of beer. The best part is that I am almost completely free of the DESIRE to use drugs and to drink. Free choice. No more skipping out on going out with people after work because I need to go home and get high by myself.

Drugs no longer dictate to me who I am going to spend my precious time with ? quite frequently it would be pot buddies that otherwise I would have nothing in common with. Or back home by myself, sitting in a chair.

Good luck Space, and yes, your symptoms will likely abate after you put down your last joint and your last drink. But it could take some time. You spent years developing into a drug and alcohol abuser, so it will take some time to reverse that process. You will likely reverse damage to your liver as well. One things for sure ? you continue to drink and your health will deteriorate.

I was 19 when my brother hung himself in the basement of our house. I spent the next 9 years waiting until I came down with schizophrenia and killed myself. That's how I got DP. Perhaps your brother's death at 19 to a drug overdose had a similar effect on you? Its a common reaction to traumatic unexpected death from what I understand.

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