Freaking out

I have felt like this in the past, having suffered for years with DP/DR. I have had many trips to the ER with crippling panic attacks since I was 9, the worst of my life starting in my late teens were from smoking pot. I was convinced by the time I was 24 I was crazy and that?s when I got addicted to benzos and went to rehab. But I fought back to some kind of normalcy

I was doing OK for a long time.

But this past week has been real hard.

The other night after a long and hard night of drinking i woke up a nightmare and i was freaking out. I felt like i was still in the dream, this went on all that day. And for the past few days i have been feeling like I'm in a dream and I'm forgetting what reality is. I don't feel normal at all. I feel like I?m lost from reality, forgetting what?s real and living in a dream state.

At other times i feel like my mind is racing. Like I'm on coke or speed. I have had a real hard life and done a lot of drugs. I'm only 31 but i feel like my mind is shot.

Some history about myself, the short version :

When I was 9 I was viciously mauled by a pit bull, I was the only white kid in an all black town and received many beatings and was the target of many racial slurs.

At 17 I became a full time drunk and pot head, steeling cars, shop lifting and more..

When i was 19 my brother died of a drug overdose, when i was 21 my mother died of cancer and my father left home with in 4 weeks to live with a new woman and i was all alone for the first time in my life.

Then my other brother moved in and he was addicted to smack and pills and had HIV. He died of a drug over dose in 2000 when i was 26.

Thought out this time since the day my mother died my girlfriend has been living with me. But at the same time she is also living her own life.

In the winter of 2004/2005 i herniated a disk in my back and was bed ridden for all of February and most of March. I'm still not right i could hardly walk because of the pain in my right leg. I'm still in pain now, but i can function.

I went to the DR in March and was told i have diabetes and liver damage from years of drinking. So i drank harder then ever and started smoking weed again.

I feel like a freak and and lost...

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, suicide is becoming an option in my mind. I feel like a freak and a chronic complainer. All i do is tell my girl friend and my friends how I'm freaking out. Now they just say OK. I feel like i cried wolf to many times and now I'm phucked..

I'm sorry for this rant, I'm sure i don't even make any sense....