[Axel19]

Well some of you who read my last post know that I've had a major relapse with dp/anxiety/depression, and I'm right back to square one.
Basically all the little comforts I had created at home, my stable liitle life that brought me so much comfort, was all totally shattered when moving away to uni, which was something I hadn't previously considered would be a problem.
Now this is like the first time I've ever experienced it this bad. Even though I can vividly remember all those hellish 'early' experiences of two years ago, it's like I've never existed outside this current state. I was sitting there in class yeseterday, we were discussing Homer's Odyssey. It all felt so unreal, everything, the teacher, the classroom, the content of the bookmade no sense.
It's agonising to think how good I was feeling just five weeks ago, I can't believe I did in fact feel like that, I muist simply have imagined it.
This sh*t is so horrible.

p.s.One of you asked in my last thread what my degree is, well, that's perhaps part of the problem, it's...er...philosophy. You guys must think I'm mad. But it is in fact testament to how good I was feeling last April when I made th decison to study it. I was happy and comfortable delving into philosophical issues (even those realted to perception, the nature of reality etc). But now it just screws me up further. I cant' quit this degree though, I just can't.

 

[Guest]

Oh, man, listen kid: about 25 yrs. ago, I was sitting in a classroom TOTALLY dp'd out, petrified beyond my wildest imagination and trying to write a final paper on Alfred North Whitehead! Not kidding. (the paper was on his theory re: prehensions and sensory perception, what is real/what is illusion/what is "selected" by the mind, what is filtered out, etc.

It is truly a wonder I didn't just go from the classroom to a mental ward.

Hang in there, my friend.
Peace,
Janine

p.s. I had terrible dips back into the depths of dp as I started to recover - and yes, it felt like I had NEVER been better....or that the new depths were worse than ever.

 

[Kelson12]

Janine...I sent you a PM a couple days ago...I know it was long, but I was hoping to get some insight from you. It's the first PM I've ever sent you, so hopefully you can reply.

In the mean time. Axel, just fight it. It's all you can do. I made it through 4 years of school and received my bachelor's degree in 2002. I did discuss with my parents, taking me out of school, but I am so glad we didn't do it. My depression wasn't that bad then and the DP hadn't really taken over my thinking at the time and some of the weirdness hadn't started yet, but I still was DPed and I got through it. I remember a time when I was sittin in one of my Business classes, thinking, "Am I really here?? If the teacher asks me a question, how am I gonna answer it?" But I made it through. I remember making presentations in front of three professors at once and I didn't even feel like I was talking. Like my voice wasn't connected to me. It was the weirdest. But I still made it through.

The thing that I am worried about now is that I am starting classes for my Master's degree in a week. Granted I am only taking one class at a time on the weekends, I still hope I can get through it without going crazy.

Hang in there man. It will all work out. Take care.

Kelson

 

[Guest]

Kelson you are an inspiration to me, i have read your post.

Cyn xxx

 

[bat]

hopefully the dp will settle a bit as you get familiar with your new routine. stick with it. i did my degree finals, a postgrad and pgce after the onset of dp. in a way it helped to know i could still think like a person even though i didnt feel like one. best of luck

 

[Guest]

I had terrible dips back into the depths of dp as I started to recover - and yes, it felt like I had NEVER been better....or that the new depths were worse than ever.

I feel that too. Last week was the first week in several months that I would describe as stable. That means, without major fits(pain, whatever).

But yesterday and today I felt crazy again. Derealisation has not been a problem anymore for some weeks now, but anxiety and obsessive thoughts are still really bad.

I am even wondering if the dr state wasnt better. I mean, seriously.
I feel like I am fooling myself thinking that I m making progress, but I feel like shifting and protracting symptoms only. Like dr gone, pain bearable, first stable week, and now anxiety and obsessions worse than ever instead.

I dont know how to measure progress, because when I think of what I have achieved already, I kind of simultaneously realize all the things that seem to get worse instead.

I dont know, somehow I am like I just fool myself.

 

[genie]

Hi Axel

I just wanted to say please don't despair with your situation. Moving from home to uni is a big step and its definately going to be unsettling for a while (not just for you but for everyone). When I moved into halls at uni I felt really alone and homesick and my uni is only a 20 min drive from my home!!

Being in a new environment is going to cause anxiety, no doubt about that but it definately takes a bit of time to get used to the new situation and the same goes for establishing some good friends. That also takes time. But the point I am trying to make is that however scared, homesick, disrupted I felt in the first month or 2 of uni, once I had been there a while my life changed dramatically for the better. I found a confidence I never knew I had, made some good friends and partied until the sun rose the next morning. It was probably the most fun I have ever and AM ever going to have in my life!

About your course - philosophy will probably be quite a challenging course but if you think you can hack it then definately stick to it. However, if you feel its not for you if you pester the right people enough I'm sure you're not too far into the year yet to change to another course and that could be an option. Also you could try doing philosophy for a year, see how you feel, and if youre not happy with it after a year, then change to something else then instead.

Plus if youre having any genuine troubles the acaedemic staff are always there to help. Most unis have some sort of councilling service and you can get notes from them and doctors etc if you are struggling due to mental health problems.

So, just to conclude. The outlook need not be bleak as there are plently of options and ways round things if you are not happy and also things dont always start off so great when you move to uni but there are a lot of suprises round the corner waiting to happen so hang in there because i bet the good stuff is still to come

 

[Axel19]

Well thanks for the advice guys.
One other thing I need to take into consideration is that this time of year is always difficult for me, even before mental illness.
Somehow I?m plowing on like a terminator, both relentless and autonomous :shock: !! I?ve got a part time job in a bar. I worked there for the first time last night, I performed ok, but inside I was just gone, hanging on to reality by thefinest of threads. I?m still going to the gym, but getting nothing out of it (working out was one of the things that really heped me get over dp before). I?ve just come back from my driving lesson, it was the most unreal screwed up experience ever, but somehow I still performed ok. The ability I have to carry on as normal, inspite of the apparent anihilation of my reality, is something that both amazes and terrifies me. The one thing I can fake, however, is conversing with other people, I haven?t had one genuine chat with anyone since I?ve been here. Although I?ve still made quite a few friends, this is perhaps testament to my natural charisma (only kidding), or testament to the low social standards of my new friends. Well that?s unfair, it?s probably testament to their benevolence more than anything.

I?m in a very dark place right now, but I?m clutching to those distant memories of that glorious summer just gone by.

 

[Kelson12]

I?m in a very dark place right now, but I?m clutching to those distant memories of that glorious summer just gone by.

I can relate exactly. I had a really good summer in which I felt good majority of the time. It will get better. Hang in there!

Cynthia...Thanks, but why am I an inspiration to you?

Take care.

Kelson