This is a very common feeling for the dp/obsession states. But I think each person?s experience of it is unique, and ?means? something different depending on the person. My hunch is that for you, Wendy, the feeling of worrying that maybe you?re forgetting something, or will forget something, or have forgotten something, etc. is about the following:
When we go through intense therapy, and are exploring the past, reliving memories, etc. there is a fear that develops: what if there is some horrible secret in my memory that I don?t recall or that is so traumatic I am afraid to ever face it? The odds that there IS such a memory are almost non-existent.
But?.the odds are good that there is lots of stuff we both know and don?t know at the same time?.memories of loving and hating somebody important to us, memories of being selfish, bad, memories of being ?aroused? by something that we judge as inappropriate, etc. We?ve all got ?Secrets? from ourselves, ALL of us?.but those secrets are not horrific at all (only to the ?Self? we were at the time those thoughts might SEEM dangerous, etc.).
If we?re dp/dissociative types to begin with, we?re really good at the skill of ?knowing and not knowing? things at the same time (called Disavowal, for my psych student friends, grin). So as we start uncovering parts of ourselves and doing the work in treatment, and often as we start ?venturing out? a bit more, and reaching out, as we start trying to make some changes/growth?we freak out (humans hate change).
And we develop this undercurrent of creepy feelings that there is something under there in our minds that we do not want to know?.it?s a nagging feeling of ?I?m about to remember something that might be TOO much for me..? and then of course, we start dancing near the thoughts, teasing ourselves, scaring ourselves?like a little kid in a scary movie who puts her hands over her face and then peeks out through her fingers to see anyway.
We?re saying ?I don?t want to know what I?m afraid of knowing but if I?m going to have to know it, I want to sort of ?know? it before I totally know it?I want to ?see it coming? to assess if it?s too much or not?.?
So we?re left with a nagging fear that there is something in our minds that is about to be ?uncovered? and we try so hard to SEE what it might be?to prepare ourselves?then we try to not see it at all, then we freak out more and TRY to forget/bury thoughts away, then of course, we have an even greater feeling that there is something we?re refusing to see.
By this point, we?ve driven ourselves a little nuts, grin?.and it?s just an average day in the mind of a self-tormenting obsessive mind.
I am NOT saying that you actually have some trauma memory in there?only that you have lots of LITTLE trauma memories that center around ?who am I?? or ?does this fit with who I know myself to be??
Was this too confusing to even be interesting? LOL?.
It?s hard to explain, but I went through a lot of those feelings myself during therapy, so I think I recognize what you?re talking about here.