[mazeball]

I've had this forever as I wrote earlier and it's caused me to move all over the globe. I keep trying to set myself up in a new environment to give myself a different perspective but I know it's internal and it never goes away.

I love the outdoors, camping, fishing, hiking and these have always been a major part of my life, but I couldn't always be doing these things ( I was searching for a simple life) and the DP never went away (I only thought it was anxiety) I couldn't find a suitable job or lifestyle so I decided I really needed to make a change and moved to China to become an ESL teacher of all things. So here I am and have been for two years, away from nature's surenity and in the middle of chaos. And so now it's gotten even worse in the isolation of a totally different world. I'm trying to fight it head on I guess or maybe just running away, but now I don't know where to turn. Going back feels like I'll go through the same isolation and alienation as I've had here and had before and staying here seems absolutly destructive. When I'm teaching I often have major DR(?) I'll become an observer of my lesson a critic, completly disconnected, but at other times I'm able to shut off the anxiety because I actually like what I'm doing (working with children) - this is all just a vent by the way, maybe I'll feel better after putting my thoughts into words instead of letting them race around in my head. After reading this over I realize again that I can never finish a thought process- there was a point to this.

 

[Martinelv]

Wow, sounds like you've had a pretty interesting life. I take it you are English, or a native English speaker ? Where abouts in China are you teaching?

You say your illness has forced you to move from place to place? In a way that resonates with me. Before I had DR/DP I was a 'functioning' neurotic, but since my two seperate episodes of DR/DP I have definately changed, in mostly bad ways. I am DR/DP free and I have been for years, and I don't expect it to return (or fear it), but since then I have become - well, let's say rather reckless, and the way I approach things is quite spectacually different from before. It's not just an age thing, the experience of DR/DP definately changed me.

Anyway, welcome. You will find much support and advice here.

 

[mazeball]

Hi martinelv,
I live close to Hong Kong and yes I am a native speaker, from Canada. So you were a drifter for a while? And you've overcome DP? I was curious, you said you had two seperate DP/DR experiences. Only 2? were they long term? Severe cases? I just don't understand how some people out there have had DP "experiences". For me it's one long experience. thanks for the reply.

 

[Martinelv]

Well, not exactly a drifter, but I've moved around a lot over the years, only abroad twice - to Holland and California.

I've only ever had two experiences of DR/DP (mostly DR - with panic and anxiety), both year long experiences, and both drug induced (weed and 'e'). And in both cases the DR faded away over about a year - don't ask me why because I haven't a clue. I'm still prone to panic and anxiety, but more importantly I've become less, er, sensible in my attitude towards life. I've always had a 'f**k it' attitude, but since DR struck it's been magnified ten-fold. I've gained and lost just about everything I could have wanted over the years, and am just starting to pick myself up again.

 

[mazeball]

I know what you mean about losing all you've had. I'm struggling in another relationship and the good friends that I have are becoming more and more remote. I'm glad to hear you're putting the pieces back together.