For those who have relapsed

Why does it feel like its a whole different beast with each relapse. New perception of the disorder itself/new symptoms/etc.

The first time i got this i made it to about 90% then relapsed from a build up of poor life choices. I thought that was absolutely the worst i had ever felt in my life but when i relapsed again it was like taking on a whole new animal. After about 4 months after the relapsed it felt like i was making decent progress and then one night stupidly i stayed up for 24 hours straight and it sent me completely back to square one even worse. Trying to bring myself up from this second relapse but this one feels more hopeless than any of them before. This time it truly feels like im stuck this way and im having the hardest time feeling like ill ever make it out of this. Before i relapsed this last time i would have pockets where i had sliver of hope. Now it literally just feels like im so stuck and have zero clue what normal feels like.