[jake]

Hello this is only my third post and first time at putting up a new topic. I got agoaphobic many years ago b/cuz I had a panic attack in my car, and had DP for weeks on end. I associated the car with the trouble so I rode a dumb little bicycle and would only go to the store around the corner. It was such a half life. I went to therapy and eventually started going to a day program where there was low stress, sort of, haa. But it did get me outta the house and I drove there. What helped me then so much was one of the workers said to me "This is your JOB now, to get better". I felt like I should be ok and working full time and so on. The next two years I got my GED and went to college and got sober. That was 21 years ago. I eventuall got on meds for depression but back then they wouldn't give alkies anything for anxiety so I struggled through. Finally 10 yrs ago I added anti-anxiety meds. Things get better, things go bad again, it's just like that for me. Recently I got a job in the heart of downtown. I was glad to have the job and liked the work. It has been a few years since I attempted full time work. What happened was anxiety came back real big when I was stuck in traffic, felt like I was gonna get outta my car and just run but no where felt safe. Luckily I took some roundabout way to get to work but was 10 minutes late, and same thing next day. I never had the "I'm having a heart attack" part of panic, I have the "I am disappearing, going crazy, must run, but where to? Soon I will run amok and be in an alley in a fetal position". I actually have to laugh at how dramatic it all seems, but when I am in it its not a bit funny. It seems that for years I have known I need to find the safety in me, the real home in me, so I don't go backwards and get agoraphobic again. Has anybody ever found a support or therapist to deal with the phobia of everything? That's what I call my anxiety, panic, DP..it is fear of losing control of myself when stuck especially, (elevators, traffic, waiting in line) and I want some end to come from the feelings since it feels so "close to the edge"..what the heck is over the edge? Sometimes it feels like anger or incredible sadness under the fear. Only thing I have ever heard of is people practicing to be desensitized, by going further out of their comfort zone with the help of a coach or some such person. My life feels limited and yet I am scared of the "cure"!!

 

[M A R S]

Fear of everything, that sounds just like me. I freak out over everything. I feel like i'm going to forget people, places, things.

I'm starting therapy on Thursday to try to get a grip on things.

 

[jake]

Hey spaceplexx, therapy really has helped me and I'm glad you're going too. I was afraid to put this stuff in words to a therapist at first, b/cuz I thought well now what good is this going to do? Just make it bigger or I'll have an incident in their office? But as close as I thought I was to "losing it" if I kept breathing and had blind faith I was in the right place, everything always worked out better than when I first walked in. Thanks for replying. I used to feel DP nearly without ceasing but it isn't like that anymore. So progress is really possible. Btw I think I drank alcoholically not only cuz I have the disease of alcoholism but to also feel either numb or alive or normal. I think anxiety in my life preceded alcoholism. Of course I still had to quit drinking and drugging one day at a time cuz that was making life unmanageable by any standards. All other help I've been able to get had to be gotten from having a clear head (I don't mean medication here--meaning booze and pot and stuff). I wish you a real good hopeful first therapy Thursday!