[WelshLady]

Hi

I've just turned 51 and I've been living with this feeling of not being part of the real world for about 9 years. I assumed it was some sort of depression as my sister suffered from depression. I hoped one day it would just go away but it hasn't. I've told no one. I just continue with my existence but struggle to feel anything. I have three grown up boys, I know I love them but I don't feel feelings of love. My first granddaughter was born last year, I know I love her but I can't feel it. The feeling of happiness that I used to get on a glorious sunny day never happens anymore. I don't find things funny anymore although I laugh when everyone else does as I know it is funny.

I don't remember the condition suddenly happening, it crept up on me after starting a stressful job, also my other half has a very negative, angry personality, so I would come home feeling happy and his anger and attitude would bring my mood crashing down. I tend to just block him out now or walk away from him or put headphones in as he certainly isn't helping me.

To finally put a name to my condition is a massive relief, now I need to decide what to do about it.... I want to feel normal again. :sad: I try and keep myself busy, I have horses, I love riding (well I know I do but I don't feel it anymore), I go walking, I hate sitting still, being busy helps me, I have a fulltime job. So I appear "normal" to the outside world...

 

[Broken]

Hi WelshLady! I am glad you can finally put a name to what you are feeling. Did you watch the Victoria Derbyshire show by any chance? They had an interesting piece this week on depersonalization. Check it out on Youtube if not. I would recommend visiting your doctor to get a diagnosis.

Also, not wanting to pry, but it sounds like you have a pretty dysfunctional relationship which surely cannot be helping your progress. Something has to change. This disorder is in my opinion, to do with the rejection of negative emotions. If you live with someone that makes you feel like shit and you don't address that, you are just going to shut off your bad emotions. And unfortunately, if you shut out the bad ones, you also shut out the good. My DPD started with a serious and ongoing episode of bullying. I didn't address it and it got worse, and I just tried to stop feeling those bad emotions. Well, be careful what you wish for

 

[forestx5]

Ummm, I'll bite. What is wrong with you?

 

[WelshLady]

Hi Broken

Thanks for your reply.

I haven't watched the Victoria Derbyshire programme yet but it was an article about it on the BBC website that made me realise that is how I'm feeling. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-41384979 . I will find some time to sit and watch it. I'm not ready to tell anyone yet, just posting on here was a big deal tbh, I need to do my own reading around, get to grips with it all. The issue with my OH and his anger is it's not usually directed at me, he gets angry with everything, inanimate objects, other drivers, people on the TV, you name it, it makes him angry and then he starts shouting, banging things, crashing things. I have told him he needs anger management counselling, I've told him it affects me (though I haven't told him how much it affects me), I've told him I don't like being around him when he's angry but he can't help his anger, he obviously has his own issues. I sometimes wonder if I should just quit my job, sell my house, buy a camper van and just go... but what if that doesn't help, then I'll just be on my own with no job and no house. I'm going away in a few weeks, my granddaughter's first birthday, the other side of the world, Melbourne. My OH isn't coming so I'll have some time to myself with no angry man around me all the time.