[Stibby]

Recently I've been having extremely troubling thoughts like, "maybe I've always been an empty person", "maybe I was always way less passionate and affected than everyone else". I think DP/DR makes you feel like you've never felt any other way, that's always been the case for me.

I got this about 3 years ago from smoking weed (one fucking cone), and for some reason I've just always felt like I'd never be better, that recovery was impossible, that this is me now. Its such a different state of existence than 'normal' that I can't actually remember how normal felt.

Anyway, here's something I wrote down to affirm the fact that I used to be a happy, regular person, and life was good:

-> "I was always fucked up" is a bad, untrue thought.

I was happy, passionate, loving. I enjoyed people, places.

I didn't feel detached and scattered and emotionless whenever I went outside.

I didn't feel queasy whenever I looked down at my hands.

I didn't feel this blanket over my body and knot in my chest.

I didn't feel pressure around my head or sense that the world only existed in my head.

This standard of existence is not normal.

I didn't have to read things 3 times for it to sink in. I used to absorb books and read for hours.

I didn't take offence to everything and become the victim by default.

I loved hanging out with people. I used to relish going out and having a good time with my mates.

I didn't feel like a stranger in my own head.

My short-term memory wasn't shit.

I had a sense of self and a seat of consciousness that felt like my own.

I didn't feel awkward in my own head and have to avoid introspection because it were too uncomfortable, like there were two people inside me.

My family members did elicit an emotional response in me and I could say "I love you" and know that it were true.

I didn't look down at the grass and see waves and swirlings and visual snow.

I didn't feel overwhelmed in the isles of the grocery store.

And so on.

I've been prescribed Lexapro and my mum really wants me to take it but I'm hesitant for some reason. Like maybe I'll get back to what I used to be and realise that I was always an empty, unfeeling person. That's why I wrote this

Sorry for the rant, I wish you all the best in this fucked up thing that brought us here.

 

[Grindelwald]

Nope. This is in your head as well. Guaranteed if you weren't worried about just how "real" the world is then you didn't have it. Any time I get this thought (and I do get it), I just remind myself of the fact that I used to be able to smoke weed everyday with no issue. Nobody with DP could do that. I can never smoke weed safely again.

 

[Stibby]

Gindelwald oath to that. I make myself very scarce when there's even a chance people will be smoking weed in a 1 kilometre radius.

It's hard though since I never really liked smoking weed. The first time I did it I had a fair bit and had a horrific experience, but felt fine the next day. The next time I smoked it I got DP/DR. So I've always been afraid that the weed caused some irreversible changes in my brain. I find it hard to believe that this could have happened to someone without drugs. But I guess it has, although I'm pretty sure I've had some form of HPPD.