[59Ballons]

I already posted something like this a month ago, but I find that this seems to be the root of my problems, and I just cant seem to fix this root!! I feel WAY too conscious that I am alive. Call it hyperconsciousness, extreme consciousness, turboconsciousness, hyper-awareness, whatever, I feel way too aware that I am alive! I feel way to aware of myself. I can't relax because I'm constantly 'checking' in on myself and my surroundings. I feel so plain when I feel hyperconscious. I feel like everything is just incompatible with me. The wind and the trees, sights, smells, feelings, all don't matter because it is just something that my physical body is enduring.

I feel extremely depressed and hopeless when I feel hyperconscious.

This, like all of my symptoms, goes away when I'm distracted... but as soon as I relax and actually live in the moment (when I'm distracted, time flies) I start to constantly feel way too aware that I'm alive.

This lead to solipsism for me for a week. Now its just existential anxiety, this, and depression.

Please help

 

[katiej]

yes ive had this alot. its horrible. but its all jsut a symptom of dp and ur brain being on high alert. I feel horrible today also. was doing well for days and now back to this. so upsetting. I feel today really down and just feel like nothing makes sense and that im here but dont know any different and could have not been here and just all round confused. ive gotten myself into a state focusing on it the last few hours so i think we both know ignoring it and distraction is the way out. Its just hard when it gets like this for me because it feels like its the truth and something i need to pay attention to. But paying attention to it drags me further into it.

Do u find recovery really up and down.

 

[59Ballons]

Yes, absolutely. It is up and down. But I have actually felt better within the last 10 minutes of writing this post... I was distracted on Facebook . But yeah, I've battled this for 3 months now... and I've had really good weeks and really bad weeks. Distraction and telling yourself that it is just your mind helps immensely, and that IS the cure, but there are always moments when we dwell on the stupid thing and we feel awful. It's all in our heads but that doesn't make it any easier. But in conclusion, I know that we will absolutely both get better... its just a matter of time. We need to keep distracting ourselves... and eventually we just won't think about this bullshit thing anymore

My school is out for summer vacation, so the next two months will be hard, but once I go back to school I know the recovery will be expedited.

 

[59Ballons]

Its also annoying to because when I feel this way, I feel weird being human. And its like what else am I going to be? A fish? When I feel this way I feel really sad and anxious because I feel like my whole life before this was a lie, and it didn't matter because I didn't "know" this.

Totally our minds, and dwelling on it makes it worse. I'm ignoring it and nothing bad has happened to me... so hahaha I win, DP.

Me 1, Depersonalization 0

 

[katiej]

HAHA good outlook. ye. well i have had this in the past and recovered. Just never as bad as this but traumas occurred. Yes i too feel like my past life was a lie cos i didnt know what i know now or something. as if i found out something and cannot unlearn what i know . do u find it can change in minutes like u said. like u could be in the depths of despair one minute and then so much better the next. this morning i was good and now this afternoon i feel so confused and terrible. its crazy

 

[59Ballons]

Yeah, that happens to me too. I can feel terrible one second, and actually feel elated and overjoyed the next. I thought that I had bipolar disorder at one point. I remember having this several years ago, but I got over it fully. And the worst part is that I feel like I've "debugged" life's code or something, and I feel intense panic when I think about how I am questioning life itself? This is life... the only thing I have. And I am feeling weird about living it. But how can that be? It's not like there is anything else out there... life is life! I'm questioning life itself.... using life itself. Without life, there would be nothing. Maybe that also has something to do with my weird feeling. I shouldn't have to deal with this. There is no reason to hate living and be scared of life itself. DP/DR is so evil.

 

[Haumea]

I want to point out that you're not actually living in the moment.

If you're becoming "aware" that you're alive, you're not "being alive"! A thought is entering your mind. Being alive is being in the moment without intrusive thoughts!

Instead of ignoring it - "changing the channel" so to speak - you're buying into it, which produces a feeling, perhaps of fear, anxiety or dread.

 

[59Ballons]

Right, ignoring the self-awareness makes it go away. So by ignoring the self awareness, I am actually becoming self aware, but in a good way, in the real way! Do you agree with the method of ignoring the extreme self-awareness that comes with anxiety? Because that works.

 

[Haumea]

Yes. The self-awareness is a thought. You want to ignore it and be, instead of thinking about being.