Lilymoonchild, the feelings you've described closely resemble one of my more common lines of thought. I think you're describing a feeling that since your "obsessions" change, it somehow invalidates all of your desires... is this what you meant by feeling your life is a farce?
I go through that sort of "reasoning" all the time. My desires change frequently. I'm working on my third major career transition right now and I'm not thirty yet. When I start analyzing myself over this (or any other shift in desires) my reasoning goes something like this: 1. My self keeps changing. 2. None of these versions of myself can be more valid than the other. 3. They can't all be the "True" me 4. Therefore none of them are the true me 5. Therefore there is no true me.
I know there's all kinds of ways to counterargue that line of reasoning, but it's hard, as you say, to "get out of myself", to look at it from the outside in a way that doesn't involve invalidating myself.
As another example, have you ever watched an old t.v. show or movie that you thought was really funny maybe a few years back but now you just don't see what was so funny about it? Well, everybody knows that society's sense of humor changes over time, just watch Nick at Nite for proof of that. But I somehow find that change in myself to be depressing. There was once a "different me" that found Ren and Stimpy to be hilarious. I don't share that other person's sense of humor. So by not laughing at the show now, I am calling my own current sense of humor more "valid" or superior to the previous one. People do this (holding current feelings in higher regard to previous ones) all the time, as in "I can't believe I used to like Laugh-in!" (said with a self-deprecating chuckle). But my _current_ sense of humor will also change... so.... how can my current state be any more valid than the last one... well, then... My current opinions/sense of humor/career choice must also be invalid/unimportant/meaningless!!!
Can you relate to this at all?
I wanted to say one more thing about your feelings about selfishly dominating the conversation. My God, I've had the exact same feelings lately. The funny thing is, I'm generally a pretty introverted person. Recently, at my last job, my wife and I made some "couple friends" that we hung out with a lot. I actually got pretty comfortable with them and started contributing more to conversation. In a given evening I might tell several little funny stories about myself. But then I would start becoming paranoid that I was "one of those people" that just can't shut up about themselves and have no idea when they are being boring. I hate those people!!!
The funny thing is, when I'm being my usual self and not joining in much to a conversation I feel bad about that too, and become worried that I'm being weird and people are thinking that I'm too quiet.
So now I'm trying to pull back from this to look at it a little more... objectively? The general pattern in any conversation is for me to be obsessed with my own actions, _no matter how I am actually behaving_. The end reslut is that I am always extremely critical of my own behavior and my own thoughts. Well, it doesn't seem rational to be critical of oneself no matter what... So could we maybe just ignore the whole self-critical line of reasoning because of its fundamental irrationality?
Easier said than done, when your mind is trapped in a neverending feedback loop which permeates every action you take (including this one).