[Heather414]

Hey guys, just venting here. Sorry if I post here too much I just don't have anyone in my real life that can relate to any of this and I need to get these things off of my chest.

I've been through this DP for 2 months now exactly. I don't have as much anxiety over it anymore.Anxiety happens but its more mild. My worst symptom is feeling like I'm in a whole different reality than before I had DP. I know thats the most common symptom but I wish I could describe how severe it is for me. My mind is so far away from myself that I don't have many memories from my life before I got this again. Whenever I do get small glimpses or "feelings" from my life before it gives me great anxiety. But at the same time those feelings or memories I get just feel like distant dreams. Even when I wake up from sleeping or napping, it feels like a totally different reality than when I fell asleep.

Everything is so foreign to me but familiar at the same time. Like factually its familiar but mentally, emotionally or physically it doesnt make sense. Everything has this sort of darkness to it. Idk how to even describe it. Just this dark feeling that kind of freaks me out sometimes. It just feels like I'm not alive, Not in my body. Now in my mind. It feels like I'm not experiencing life, like whats happening right in front of me isnt registering in my brain. Like every waking moment has absolutely no meaning. But I don't really remember what its like to feel alive or for life to have meaning.

 

[cyberafrica]

Hey guys, just venting here. Sorry if I post here too much I just don't have anyone in my real life that can relate to any of this and I need to get these things off of my chest.

I've been through this DP for 2 months now exactly. I don't have as much anxiety over it anymore.Anxiety happens but its more mild. My worst symptom is feeling like I'm in a whole different reality than before I had DP. I know thats the most common symptom but I wish I could describe how severe it is for me. My mind is so far away from myself that I don't have many memories from my life before I got this again. Whenever I do get small glimpses or "feelings" from my life before it gives me great anxiety. But at the same time those feelings or memories I get just feel like distant dreams. Even when I wake up from sleeping or napping, it feels like a totally different reality than when I fell asleep.

Everything is so foreign to me but familiar at the same time. Like factually its familiar but mentally, emotionally or physically it doesnt make sense. Everything has this sort of darkness to it. Idk how to even describe it. Just this dark feeling that kind of freaks me out sometimes. It just feels like I'm not alive, Not in my body. Now in my mind. It feels like I'm not experiencing life, like whats happening right in front of me isnt registering in my brain. Like every waking moment has absolutely no meaning. But I don't really remember what its like to feel alive or for life to have meaning.

Hi Heather14, I can relate about you feel in a whole different reality, this is the DR part of DP/DR. I truly believe its different parts of our brain not functioning properly as a whole, so we land up with fragmented feelings which do not make sense. Do you mean visually dark or emotional feeling dark, as I have both visual experience of being grey and darker literally and the emotional darkness, which I can only explain as depression with anehdonia (inability to feel pleasure in normally pleasurable activities)

 

[Heather414]

Hi Heather14, I can relate about you feel in a whole different reality, this is the DR part of DP/DR. I truly believe its different parts of our brain not functioning properly as a whole, so we land up with fragmented feelings which do not make sense. Do you mean visually dark or emotional feeling dark, as I have both visual experience of being grey and darker literally and the emotional darkness, which I can only explain as depression with anehdonia (inability to feel pleasure in normally pleasurable activities)

Hi thank you so much for your reply. Sorry to hear you're going through something similar. And as for the darkness part, I really wish I could describe it. It's not a visual thing (although sometimes it does seem like my vision is sometimes "muted" not as vibrant or 3D) its more of a feeling mentally and emotionally. I dont even know if I would necessarily describe it as depression. Though it may be just extreme depression that is being fogged by my blank mind so I may not be feeling it to it's full extent. I definitely do have anhedonia too though.

 

[forestx5]

Hi Heather,

you don't say what initiated your alternate reality. My 1st cannabis intoxication triggered temporal lobe seizures which segued into an affective disorder of major depression.

I lost all emotions and was filled with anxiety, and a profound sense of hopelessness. Without positive emotions, I no longer saw my family members the same way.

They seemed alien to me. Long story short, I battled and chose to live. The brain has plasticity. If you stay in the game, your reality will come back. Work it.

Good luck.

 

[Heather414]

Hi Heather,
you don't say what initiated your alternate reality. My 1st cannabis intoxication triggered temporal lobe seizures which segued into an affective disorder of major depression.
I lost all emotions and was filled with anxiety, and a profound sense of hopelessness. Without positive emotions, I no longer saw my family members the same way.
They seemed alien to me. Long story short, I battled and chose to live. The brain has plasticity. If you stay in the game, your reality will come back. Work it.
Good luck.

What caused my 3rd bout of DP was the death of my boyfriend 2 months ago. Oh wow In so sorry to hear you went through that! It's great to hear you kept fighting on though!

I'm definitely more calm now than when it started 2 months ago, I'm actually able to function pretty good but the disconnection is still there. The disconnection is mostly mental for me. My cognitive abilities have gone down the drain. I'm assuming my grief and DP are related, I'm hoping once I'm able to process the grief a little more the DP will start lifting. Its very hard though because of my extreme brain fog/DP I cant bring up many memories or stuff about my deceased boyfriend. It's honestly the most scary thing out of all of this.

Sorry for such a long response lol but your words definitely brought me a bit of hope. I just get scared that this round of DP is really what broke the camel's back for me.

 

[Psyborg]

I know that feeling . you are not alone . but I dont have it anymore thank god

 

[cyberafrica]

What caused my 3rd bout of DP was the death of my boyfriend 2 months ago. Oh wow In so sorry to hear you went through that! It's great to hear you kept fighting on though!

I'm definitely more calm now than when it started 2 months ago, I'm actually able to function pretty good but the disconnection is still there. The disconnection is mostly mental for me. My cognitive abilities have gone down the drain. I'm assuming my grief and DP are related, I'm hoping once I'm able to process the grief a little more the DP will start lifting. Its very hard though because of my extreme brain fog/DP I cant bring up many memories or stuff about my deceased boyfriend. It's honestly the most scary thing out of all of this.

Sorry for such a long response lol but your words definitely brought me a bit of hope. I just get scared that this round of DP is really what broke the camel's back for me.

Hi Heather, so sorry to hear what you are going through and my sincere condolences concerning the sad loss of your boyfriend. I can relate to what you saying, as this is the second time I have got DPDR in my life, and this last spell was brought on two-fold from a horrible marriage break up which was quite traumatic to say the least and due to me tail spinning due to the breakup I went on psych meds for sleep first, then depression and anxiety. It all accumulated in waking up one morning a year ago with serious DPDR. Its worse now the second time around and like Forestx5, I just initially wanted out of life as mentally could not seem to face the trauma and having DPDR again, but I chose life, and have been fighting this one out.Like you memories of my ex wife are vague, and what makes it even more weird for me we had moved to another country, but when the problems got serious, I came back to my home country and town as could not bear to witness her having an affair. (P.S. the first time I got DPDR 12 years ago it was from weed, and only one drag at that!)

I cant pinpoint the latest DPDR onset only to the trauma, I think the medication exacerbated an existing vulnerable brain going through trauma.Its really been a struggle, as this time my mind went almost completely blank, my sleep pattern was badly disrupted, Ive had extremely high anxiety, and lost any sense of emotion towards family and friends. I also have been extremely depressed and lethargic, and spent most of the last year in a bedroom in bed, just trying to survive as was not functional and have not been able to work. During this period of time, I have had to taper of the psych medz due to their bad side effects, and tapered off the sleeping pill and anti depressant, but its been a long process of tapering off the benzodiazepene, which is still going to take another 2 months. One cannot just stop a benzodiazapine "cold turkey" once you have been on them for a while, as their is a risk of having a brain seizure apart from the terrible withdrawal effects.

DPDR can be co-morbid with depression, which I seem to have this make-up, as the last time I had DPDR it came with deep depression too. So, gee, some of us are just susceptible to DPDR through emotional trauma. I have had to watch a lot of YouTube documentaries for the last year, and some of them have been about reality crime, interviews with murderers, which makes me wonder, how they dont feel any emotion or get DPDR, as I would if I had to hurt or maime somebody! I think that peeps who get DPDR are really deep, sensitive people, empaths. Ironically, when some of us get DPDR, the part of the brain that feels emotion seems to switch off, so we feel distant from this emotion which makes us feel like we are losing our self identity, as this was part of our core identity, and now its gone!

Well, as I am a DPDR survivor and this is the second time I have got it, I can say we do heal, and our emotions do come back. It just takes time, through whatever process our brain and soul have to go through. The last time I had DPDR, it took almost three years to become completely healed. This time for me its worse, as I have serious emotional issues going on, so who knows, one just has to accept it needs healing time, and kinda go with the flow. Whoever said life was easy! Once we get through all of this, we just become a stronger person and hopefully our feelings and emotions will come back. Wishing you all strength, love and healing. CyberA

 

[LizFerret]

cyberafrica
I am sorry to hear you also struggle so much.
I like the thought of all us suffering dp are prolly very sensitive people.
When it comes to cure, I have been at it for three years now. Got much better but still not completely recovered.

 

[cyberafrica]

cyberafrica
I am sorry to hear you also struggle so much.
I like the thought of all us suffering dp are prolly very sensitive people.
When it comes to cure, I have been at it for three years now. Got much better but still not completely recovered.

Hi LizFerret,

Good to hear you getting better, this is the second time I have had DPDR, and I was one of those survivors, which took over 3 years to heal. This time it has hit me really hard. Wishing you 100% healing soon, it does happen!