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I guess I just need to get this out of my head before I start my 3 hour Microeconomics lecture. I'm typing this on mobile so if the spelling and format of this is really bad, I apologize.

I've been dealing with 24/7 dissociation for almost 4 years now. It started after I smoked an insane amount of weed and had the thought "what if this high doesn't go away" and proceeded to have the most intense panic attack of my life. To this day I havent experienced anything more terrifying. I was convinced I was going to die because my heart was beating so fast

Since this happened, I haven't stopped living life, I haven't been a recluse. I've gone to music festivals, I worked a full time job at a busy retail store, I'm going to school for Economics and I've maintained a 3.7 GPA somehow... Things were feeling pretty good, last semester, spring 2019, I felt pretty good, not 100%, but I just didn't give much attention to my dpdr.

BUT this semester, fall 2019, my hypochondria and catastrophizing has gone through the roof. 6 weeks ago I thought I was going schizophrenic, 4 weeks ago I thought I had some incurable pain disorder, 2 weeks ago I was worried I had blank mind. All of these worries have faded for the most part. I no longer worry about them 24/7. But my derealization pretty bad. I don't feel like I'm here, my vision is blurry/weird, not like visual snow but just strange, like a fog, like a veil has been pulled over my eyes or a screen is blocking me from the world. My memory is pretty bad but somehow my dumbass can still do calculus and do derivatives n shit pretty well. Memories that I know happened, feel like dreams. I went to Vegas with my gf a few weeks ago, I drove the whole 6 hour 1 way trip and back and it doesn't really feel like it happened.

Basically, I just feel like shit, I feel alone, hopeless that I will get better. I'm currently seeing a new therapist. I've been diagnosed with PTSD for the 3rd time by 3 separate therapists because apparently my childhood was not very good at all, which makes sense, my parents divorced early and cough custody of me and my mom is an alcoholic and was emotionally abusive towards me to an extent

I see a psychiatrist tomorrow, which I'm very nervous about, not sure how to explain to him what's going on with me, not sure what he's going to say, scared to take any kind of drug because I'm worried I'm going to get some gnarly permanent side effect.

So yeah, that's a short summary of what's going on with me, to anyone who reads and replies, thank you for your time. I'm actually somewhat excited for my econ class in about an hour because I'll be getting my exam back and I think i did well on it, plus my professor is fucking awesome.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
To add to this as well. I read all the time on here about exercising, meditating, just getting into good habits that everyone should do, even neurotypical people, but I can’t bring myself to develop solid habits. I have no motivation to do it whatsoever.
 

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It sounds like you're functioning well in the circumstances, try and get some good habits in at some point but only when you're ready
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
It sounds like you're functioning well in the circumstances, try and get some good habits in at some point but only when you're ready
yeah I'm definitely doing alright. I function well. It just takes a toll on me. I wonder if I'm pushing myself too hard. I'm constantly stressed and I always feel anxious to some degree, but that might be because of my PTSD/Hypervigilance

But thanks for your support and reply
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
From the outside looking in, it seems the emotional abuse you experienced as a child, and the chronic anxiety you experience today, are really common among people with depersonalization. If you're anything like me, the fears of catastrophe like, "What if I stay this high for the rest of my life," are basically anxiety talking and amplifying itself.
Yeah, its the fear of no control. I cant get drunk without freaking out a bit because i just dont like not being in control of what is happening to me.
 
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