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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
it's been a while, hasn't it? my first post here was almost a year ago, and my last post was in october?? i believe

anyway-

so for a while i thought i was getting better. january-early april were my best months regarding this disorder. i actually thought i was getting better.

i thought wrong.

as summer approaches, i've been feeling worse and worse. i got out of school for the summer less than a month ago (on the 23rd of may) and for about a week i was pretty fine.

now however, whenever i do anything i feel so detached from everything. i feel like everything in my vision is fake and that i'm floating through an endless void somewhere. i've also started getting back into the habit of subconsciously guessing everything someone's going to say, and words that i've gone to type keep being said in something that i'm listening to in the background.

last night i was on the verge of a panic attack because i kept getting thoughts of nothing being real. every time i thought about talking to someone or just doing anything i got this really bad feeling and i was just like,,, panicking. a little bit before that me and my grandma went out and i just feel so detached. i couldn't bring myself to put any emotion into my voice or anything i did, and everytime my grandma asked me if i liked something i literally couldn't say anything other than "i have no preference" or "i don't mind". i felt so tired.

the same thing happened today while i was watering flowers for my grandma. i hardly spoke to her (or anyone really) and when i did i struggled to put emotion into my voice. when i ran to get the hose i couldn't. my entire body felt so heavy and i just ran so slowly.

i just tend to get like this whenever these episodes hit nowadays. i used to freak out and have huge panic attacks and now i just feel so numb and not there and like everything isn't there. i usually feel a little better at night at least.

it feels like i'm never going to get better and this won't go away, no matter what i do.
 
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