feeling alive

well... everyday is the same hell for me. i try not to let it bother me, but its really hard to take waking up each day knowing i don't feel right. knowing that when i walk or do any sort of simple action that it doesn't feel like i'm doing. i don't feel in control of my body at all. it sucks.

i don't remember the last time i felt alive. seriously. 8 months is a long ass time to feel just like time is passing you by and everyone else is out enjoying life, while your stuck and have no fucking clue what to do. i mean i have accepted dp a little more, but by any means i do not like it.

its hard just to wake up looking at your mom and your family and trying to like recognize them. its really hard not to be able to feel the love and affection for them even though i know i love them i can't access that feeling. and just everyday knowing that i won't feel a hug or a kiss or any simple pleasures in life that make you or your body feel good i cannot expierience any of that and have no idea when i will.

i do not know if any of you guys have this. there are positive things that i have been tryin to do. like downloading music and listening more although it doesn't do much to me, umm playing basketball a little more although its hard because it doesn't feel right. reading things that are interesting somewhat at least. trying to watch my favorite shows. getting fantasy sports teams and checking up on sports news. a couple of months ago i wouldn't care about any of this stuff and i really wouldn't enjoy anything. i just questioned everything.

now i guess this is my life and no matter how much i want to expierience life again and be in reality i guess that's not the case, but the whole family thing is hard. also, my senses are so horrible. i don't even like pizza anymore. thats bad. but i have to eat i guess. o yea and nothing smells good anymore. its weird. it just feels like some little kid has a remote control and is controlling me. also most of the thoughts i think come with no emotions attached to it, but i'm always thinking about like basketball, sports, and music, because those were the things i loved the most before this happended and now its really hard to find any love at all towards those things. life sucks.