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13 Posts
Hi - I thought I'd share my story, see if anyone can relate, and perhaps offer me some support.
I've been suffering with chronic DP and DR for almost 10 years. I'm in a constant dream-like state, where everything I see is flat and far away, blurry and unreal. I don't feel attached to what I see, I feel like a floating consciousness. My sense of touch is blunted as well. I often believe I really am in a dream, or this is some sort of spiritual hell. I see and feel this way 24/7, for 10 years, and it is chronically getting worse. For the most part, I function normally. I can talk to others, concentrate, look normal on the outside. But it also impacts my functioning in the sense that I feel intense discomfort interacting in my environment and what I see. I sit and observe everything rather than interact with it. I mean this in a very literal way. I don't feel comfortable touching the table I'm sitting at, doing things physically is very hard for me. It's hard for me to engage. I haven't been able to apply for a job because of this, and it's gotten to the point where I am considering disability.
I'm not scared of the way I feel, nor do I cry over it. I'm so used to feeling this way, I have grown accustomed to it, and I try to ignore it the best I can. When I can't ignore it, I feel intense apathy towards what I see, the "picture" that I see, but I also feel intense anger directed at the dissociation and I want to lash out at something, to try to "feel" again.
I've had trouble with mood disturbance these past few years, diagnosed as Bipolar, but all is stable now with the correct medication, and I have my doubts that I actually have it. I also have social phobia and avoidant personality disorder, which inhibits me from engaging socially with anyone. I have no friends and am a loner, I only hang out with my mother and two brothers. The rest of the time I engage in escapist activities.
I can't stress enough how very severe this derealization is. It never ever goes away. I suffer in this hell every day for 10 years. I've seen a few therapists and psychiatrists, but they only focus on my social phobia and mood episodes. They completely ignore my dissociation which is my MAIN mental health issue and most severe problem. When I explain it to them, they look at me like I have 3 heads and they are at a loss as to how to help me. I feel so alone in this state, no one can seem to help me, and I haven't read many stories of people who have chronic DP/DR that never goes away, so I feel alone in that way as well. I honestly have no idea how to get help with this. I had an MRI to see if there was anything physically wrong and nothing showed up.
Despite telling this to every doctor so far, none have given me a dissociative disorder diagnosis. Which I really need if I am going to apply for disability. Once they find that they don't know what is wrong, and I "look" normal, they completely ignore it. I'm seeing a new psychiatrist next month, I'm wondering how exactly I should stress this enough to get a diagnosis because everyone else just conveniently ignores it. I'm really suffering with this, but I have no hope that it can get better. I have no faith that medication or therapy will make any dent in it, it's getting worse and worse and I can't pinpoint what is making it worse, what is keeping me in this state. I feel as though it might have started due to anxiety, but instead of getting better when my anxiety got better, it is getting worse. Like something malfunctioned in my brain and I can't go back to normal.
Can anyone offer any help, advice or simply support?
I've been suffering with chronic DP and DR for almost 10 years. I'm in a constant dream-like state, where everything I see is flat and far away, blurry and unreal. I don't feel attached to what I see, I feel like a floating consciousness. My sense of touch is blunted as well. I often believe I really am in a dream, or this is some sort of spiritual hell. I see and feel this way 24/7, for 10 years, and it is chronically getting worse. For the most part, I function normally. I can talk to others, concentrate, look normal on the outside. But it also impacts my functioning in the sense that I feel intense discomfort interacting in my environment and what I see. I sit and observe everything rather than interact with it. I mean this in a very literal way. I don't feel comfortable touching the table I'm sitting at, doing things physically is very hard for me. It's hard for me to engage. I haven't been able to apply for a job because of this, and it's gotten to the point where I am considering disability.
I'm not scared of the way I feel, nor do I cry over it. I'm so used to feeling this way, I have grown accustomed to it, and I try to ignore it the best I can. When I can't ignore it, I feel intense apathy towards what I see, the "picture" that I see, but I also feel intense anger directed at the dissociation and I want to lash out at something, to try to "feel" again.
I've had trouble with mood disturbance these past few years, diagnosed as Bipolar, but all is stable now with the correct medication, and I have my doubts that I actually have it. I also have social phobia and avoidant personality disorder, which inhibits me from engaging socially with anyone. I have no friends and am a loner, I only hang out with my mother and two brothers. The rest of the time I engage in escapist activities.
I can't stress enough how very severe this derealization is. It never ever goes away. I suffer in this hell every day for 10 years. I've seen a few therapists and psychiatrists, but they only focus on my social phobia and mood episodes. They completely ignore my dissociation which is my MAIN mental health issue and most severe problem. When I explain it to them, they look at me like I have 3 heads and they are at a loss as to how to help me. I feel so alone in this state, no one can seem to help me, and I haven't read many stories of people who have chronic DP/DR that never goes away, so I feel alone in that way as well. I honestly have no idea how to get help with this. I had an MRI to see if there was anything physically wrong and nothing showed up.
Despite telling this to every doctor so far, none have given me a dissociative disorder diagnosis. Which I really need if I am going to apply for disability. Once they find that they don't know what is wrong, and I "look" normal, they completely ignore it. I'm seeing a new psychiatrist next month, I'm wondering how exactly I should stress this enough to get a diagnosis because everyone else just conveniently ignores it. I'm really suffering with this, but I have no hope that it can get better. I have no faith that medication or therapy will make any dent in it, it's getting worse and worse and I can't pinpoint what is making it worse, what is keeping me in this state. I feel as though it might have started due to anxiety, but instead of getting better when my anxiety got better, it is getting worse. Like something malfunctioned in my brain and I can't go back to normal.
Can anyone offer any help, advice or simply support?
