Depersonalization Support Forum banner
1 - 4 of 4 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
139 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok...this is kinda a vent but i also would appreciate feedback if anyone does read this.
I dont understand anything. At all. Ive been chasing or rather searching for a good enough reason for life to exist or at the very least, for a reason to live. For anything to live. See, i used to be a very emotional person (maybe still am? I think im very emotionally numbed). I was always in the moment, always fine with just being and taking in this thing called life.
Ever since all this dpdr started, nothings been the same (as is the case with anyone else who gets it) but i just dont know if anyones ever gotten this deep and fucked up in profound ideas. Ill elaborate.
Ok. Ive always been curious of how things worked my whole life. Mostly things concerning life. My favorite things to observe was animals. Point is, i only recently starting questioning the "why" of everything. Why life? Why existence? Why love? Why live? I cant even validate emotions! They seem like they only exist as a means to survive. All the why questions. Ive thought through just about every outlook, from atheism, to christianity, to buddism, to hinduism. A few others even. Ive had a non duel experiance before even (under the influence of marijuana which was incredibly scary but profound). I cant decide anything. But recently, ive basically stopped searching for meaning. Im not sure whats going on. Ive been nihilistic for over a year and im not sure if its going away now or getting worse.
Im not sure if ive just found something that sticks or if im just done searching. Right now, its like im just ok with existence? But it feels like im just finally accepting im part of this system. This existence - non-existence system. That everything that exists is just operating how it should but it feels too automatic. It feels like life is automatic, because its a part of the system, it kinda feels like life is invalidated in a way. I dont know. What i do know is some days, i feel super angsty and sometimes suicidal, others i feel life is special enough to have a reason to be here. But i still dont understand how or why life started or wants to continue. I dont understand why im here to experiance all this and all these emotions. The worst feeling i get recently is instead of feeling like things all fit together in place like they did as a kid, i get a constant feeling that my existence is super bizzare!! I look around my room with two "real" eyeballs and constantly wonder "do i really exist?!" My single existence that im SOMEHOW aware of constantly. I just wish i could feel normal, like a normal person. I keep chasing normalcy but at the same time, i feel like its all for not and i shouldnt even try because i dont feel validated for existing. How did i come into being and am constantly aware of the now? Its so weird!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
139 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Like,its like i am at peace with being one with the universe and existence but my own awareness scares me. How do i put this? My feelings, my desires, my awareness, my life as a whole does not feel like it should or actually exists. It almost UNnatural for me to exist. I feel like its impossible for me to be here, yet i am?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
445 Posts
Hi emptyflask. I struggle with this too. When I became DPd i started getting so many deranged realisations about life i started seeing people as just collections of small emotions and creature comforts to shield them from the incredible and scary improbability of our existence. I feel uncomfortable with my own awareness and like i am trapped in my own head. I look back in awe to when I was well and miss the blissful unawareness of my previous years. I used to be philosophically minded, and realised in my early 20s that existence, this whole thing, was actually pointless. But the realisation didn't cause me pain, i actually enjoyed it and enjoyed being a conscious participant in this great game. For some reason now the concept causes me pain, and a whole host of emotions or lack thereof. If this is enlightenment, i don't want it. I want to be back to my old self now. I feel like i have spent too long looking into the abyss and I am scared I'll never enjoy another moment or feel love for my family again
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
61 Posts
the dark night of the soul. keep pushing through this and you will find meaning. I was in your exact shoes almost a year ago, complete nihilist with no reason to go on. but i knew i had to because i couldn't bear to end myself and leave my family behind. time will go on and it will happen very slowly, but things will get better.
 
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
Top