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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
hi, I am at a bad place in my life at the moment, but I am not looking for support exactly. I am however looking for honest answers in reply to this post whether they be negative or positive as I would always rather be hurt by the worst truth than fooled by the best lie. So if you think the worst may be possible, please don't hold back and tell me because that will help me confront the objective reality of the situation rather than delude myself into thinking everything is ok. I therefore am particularly looking for people who have suffered from both groups being Dissociative Identity Disorder and Depersonalization Disorder and Anxiety so I can compare symptoms which is why I have posted this to forums for each disorder.

Now, in respect to what is going on, I need to go back in the past. When I was about 11, I was being repeatedly bullied and stopped leaving the house, a situation I was comfortable with which was not necessarily due to overwhelming anxiety but just due to comfort. I became a schizoid somewhat.
When I was 15, I suffered a severe loss that to this day I have not gotten over. To cope with this, at the time I remember holding my breath and forcing myself to stop crying and it worked with the price of not being able to properly feel any emotion whatsoever. I was comfortably numb.
When I was 16, I developed schizophrenia. The mental health system sectioned me and I was in hospital for two years and then again for another two. The anger I felt 24/7 towards the doctors, the staff, the people who were bullying me in the hospital and the objects of my delusions was so overwhelming that sometimes I found it hard to breathe and sleep.

Up to the present day (I'm 26 now), not a day goes by that I don't feel overwhelming hatred for this entire world and everything it has done to me, but I managed to find somewhat of a solace in reading and sleeping. I have been out of hospital for a year and a half and was becoming positive about life despite not being able to fully experience it but out of the blue I developed more symptoms. Without going into it too much, my depersonalization-derealization got much worse. I want you to imagine the following: you'll be doing something and all of a sudden you feel like you've lost consciousness for a split second and a little palpitation wakes you up similiar to a myoclonic jerk which is where people nod off only to be abruptly woken up by the fact that their head has dropped. This is the symptom I am noticing along with all the feelings of loss of identity and unreality. Pragmatically speaking, my doctor thinks it is just anxiety but I think he's missing something. When these attacks happen (on a daily basis) I cannot think, speak or anything, it's like I have frozen or that I'm not there. I cannot tell whether it is a small panic attack or the beginning of uncontrollable blackouts.

My question therefore is to the people with depersonalization-derealization disorder is do you ever have this and do you manage to live through life experiencing it but not ever blacking out completely?

My question to the people in the other forum with dissociative identity disorder and dissociative amnesia is whether this phenomena I am describing is similiar to what you feel when you black out and did it start like this?

My question in the anxiety forum is whether you experience this little blackout/palpitation at all?
 
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