Feel completely gone

Hi, so i am really lost and sad.... or am i? Basically ive had depersonalization for 7 years and it has felt like wierd sensory perceptions and feeling not like myself and not recognizing myself in the mirror etc. november 2023 is wen i first heard the word depersonalization so i found out oh wait i wasnt crazy this is something other people have too. But unfortunately for me this is when everything took a drastic turn.... so i was so excited to find out what depersonalization was because i had gotten so depressed. So anxious. Unable to form true bonds and found out that depersonalization could be the result of trauma. Now the very month that i found this information out i started conceptualizing myself trying to figure out how to heal my trauma when all the sudden one night i was driving and i was so depersonalized i felt like i couldnt even see in front of me like i was so dissasociated then BAM i felt a pain in my head and i felt this sensatjon of death rush over the left side of my body. I didnt know what had happened it felt like my SOUL had just left. Let me go back a step and say im a people person like im a empath with horrible social anxiety but i mask extremely well and crave relationships with people which was a driving modivator for wanting to heal my trauma so i could have the relationships. So this has been the most sinister satanistic horrible evil experience ive ever been through because ive spent seven years with this condition and when i finally find out whats going on BAM it gets worse . Its gotten so bad ive checked myself into two rehabs and isolated the entire time because when i try to talk to people. Ok so imagine someone is standing in front of me talking to me. Well i have to act normal so they dont think im a psycho and also want them to like me still but when i try to fake emotion or give any respone i depersonalize more like it literally feels like my (self) is going to break out the back of my skull like my (self) feels physical pain pressing against the back of my skull like i feel like in conversation i have to either choose them or me. This is all wierd and hard to describe but yeah if anyone has any feedback or questions i would love it i feel like im in a psychological thriller my entire life just one crazy shitshow after the other also i love you guys this condition is literally the worst i think God nerfed us for being too powerful in life he was like nah sit yo ass down😂 but fr rip