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Feel better at night time

1377 Views 2 Replies 1 Participant Last post by  igloos
I'm not sure if anybody else feels this way, or if I'm alone, but my anxiety and depersonalization are so much less invasive at nighttime. If it were up to me, I would be nocturnal, but I have to go to classes and live my life. When it's very sunny out, my symptoms tend to be worst. :(
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Usually, I have panic attacks during which everything suddenly seems different, although I can't explain why. I remember once, when I was in the 4th grade or so, I woke up in the middle of the night crying and screaming for my mom, and I told her that "all the colors are different." I think this was my first experience with depersonalization, and that it was the only way I could think to describe it. It became a real problem about a 14 or 15 months ago. Everything seemed strange, I felt as though it was the first time I had ever really seen what was in front of me, and it was terrifying. Nothing was familiar, and I was convinced that I was going insane. I had to isolate myself in my bedroom for a few weeks, because I couldn't handle being outside and dealing with people.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm watching my life through a camera, or like I lost a piece of my soul. I'm alive biologically, but I'm not really "all there." I wonder if I'm about to go insane, or have a stroke and die, or start seizing or something. The annoying thing is that I can never get used to it. It's happened so many times, but each time I feel like this one is the time I'm really going to go insane. I feel like I can't really connect with anybody or anything, and by trying to, I'm lying to them. It's such a powerful feeling. :( Thankfully, it's gotten better, but it's still a huge problem.

When I go outside, I feel like there's too much going on around me. There are too many things catching my attention at once. At night, I feel more calm, partly because there's less visual stimulation, and partly because I'm more alone and everything is more calm. However, at night, I have more trouble with "visual snow." Still, even during the day, I become preoccupied with the floaters in my eyes, because of the light.
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