Depersonalization Support Forum banner
1 - 5 of 5 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
157 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey all,

My last three posts have pretty much been about the exact same topic as this one, Im not sure why Im even writing this. At this point its more of a way to vent.

I cant seem to shake this underlying thought that the nature of my dp/dr may be in the form of something similar to a neuro-degenerative disorder. I started to experience dp/dr seven weeks ago after a bout of depression accompanied by two massive panic attacks and generalized anxiety. Since it started, it has gotten 10x worse. This is no longer a sensation that I can merely accept, it is too overwhelming. The first few weeks I was fine. I knew what it was and I had very little anxiety or stress about it- hoping it would pass. I continued to live life normally until 3 weeks ago where it has crossed the line of being tolerable. Each time I feel that my condition has gotten worse, the idea that my brain is degenerating only seems to have more veracity. Ive spent half the day ruminating about the possibility that my brain might be undergoing a long process of deterioration to which there is no end. I just find my case particularly strange as I have found very little accounts of people describing their condition getting worse in a short time frame after they got it, they only described it as being constant.

Another thing I want to clarify is that I only believe my disorder is degenerative in the sense that it slowly gets worse over time. I dont actually think my brain is atrophying or my neurons are losing functionality. I think its a software problem. There must be some sort of feedback loop going on in the circuitry of my brain that is causing this progression. Whether or not I have cognitive control to circumvent this feedback loop I have no idea. I poignantly suspect that my condition isn't anxiety or stress related. Meaning that I most definitely suffer from chronic primary depersonalization disorder. I sincerely don't believe that my condition has gotten worse because of external factors, or say, unregulated emotions. In my mind, the best case scenario is that I merely have a severe form of dp/dr that will stop getting worse, but rather stabilize over time. Worst case scenario is that I am suffering from some sort of neurological "degeneration" or malfunction in which my brain cannot stop progressing into a more depersonalized state. I am hoping perhaps their might be a way to stop this feedback loop- if thats even what it is- with a change in habits and behaviours.

I am 16 years old and I dont wanna lose my life to this. I genuinely think I have the mental strength to live a relatively decent life if this disorder stays- assuming it stagnates. But if its degenerative im basically done for. I still cant comprehend the fact that a panic attack might have caused a chain of events that lead to my brains impotent decline. is it irrational to think that that might be the case?

This site taught me two things. One: Humans do not know jack shit about the brain. and two: Our brains can absolutely fail us. I have never in my life considered the fact that our brains can- for virtually no reason- organically devolve into a defective organ to which the conscious entity of it is forever sufferring until now (obviously I know diseases like alzheimers and dementia exist. But thats corelated with old age). I read about people on here that have experienced pure emotional numbness for years. YEARS? How on earth does the brain just cause that? I have read about a person who suffers from a degenerative disassociative disorder from ONE panic attack from weed. It seems like fucking science fiction. I hate to say that some people on this site may never be able to experience happiness again. And I might be one of them. Whats so fascinating to me is that doctors don't know nor do they do jack shit about this!! Depersonalization as a degenerative case certainly exists, ive read a handful of accounts of it. Yet, I have yet to find a single shred of research on depersonalization as a continuously worsening state. I just can't believe that some of these stories are real. I have always strongly believed in the aphorism that "all pain is temporary" but after reading these stories... I simply cannot believe that anymore. Some of these anecdotes are like gore in the form of words. Our brains evolved to facilitate our ability to survive in the external world. But yet nowadays it is a primary source of suffering because of its own errors.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,420 Posts
You could have a neurological illness, or you could just be neurotic. Why don't you get a neurological work up to find out?

Start with an EEG. (Electroencephalogram). It is a painless test of your brain waves. If you are epileptic or your brain's signals

show pathology in accordance with numerous known disorders, you and your doctor can develop a treatment plan.

If they find anything, I hope it is not degenerative!

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
157 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Lol, I am a pretty neurotic person, everyone calls me a pessimist, and I hope to god im merely being pessimistic when I assume that I might have a degenerative illness. I asked my doctor about an EEG after describing my situation in rigorous detail to him. My doctor said that it would essentially be a waste of time, I guess I must not show any symptoms of any serious neurological illness or something. But I guess doctors are known for fucking up. Even If I am epileptic, that doesn’t really explain my increasing Depersonalization does it? Epilepsy isn’t necessarily a degenerative disorder, but I could be wrong.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,420 Posts
Yes. you could be wrong, and so could you doctor be wrong. I think your doctor is more likely insinuating it is a waste of money. Does he have a share in your health insurance plan?

An EEG takes very little time, and involves very little labor. Of a course, a neurologist is going to want to get paid to evaluate your results, even though it is most likely done by computer algorithm.

In case you missed the gist of my post, it is that several primary care physicians, at least 2 neurologists several psychologists and 5 psychiatrists failed to perceive that my symptoms warranted the most basic of neurological tests.

Blame that on me for functioning at such a high level, in spite of significant symptoms. They just couldn't imagine I was capable of the things I was doing, if I had been suffering from a neurological illness. They were wrong.

When I finally had an expert neurologist verify my self diagnosis at the age of 57, it was like OMG - your EEG shows significant pathology. You're disabled. If so, I had been disabled from age 17.

But, there is always the possibility you are just neurotic.

Currently, temporal lobe epilepsy associated with hippocampal sclerosis is regarded as a progressive disorder. Conversely, for other types of epilepsy,

the evidence is not so clear. The causes of this damage progression are also unknown although there is consistent evidence that seizure is one of the mechanisms.

A study of dissociation with epilepsy patients showed .The Dissociation Experience Scale scores were significantly higher for the patients with epilepsy than the healthy individuals.

I'm just answering your questions, I am not suggesting you are epileptic. An EEG can show more neurological issues than epilepsy. An EEG is like the electrical component of a physical

neurological exam.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
157 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Im from Canada. According to my mom an EEG would fall under the type of healthcare that is paid for by taxes, thus money isn't an issue. But im not sure, I honestly don't know anything about the financial side of things.

Sorry, I have very little knowledge on this subject. But what I am seeing based on your anecdote is that you can be epileptic without having seizures? Because if you had them obviously you and your doctors would know what is wrong right away.

I dont know. According to the great tool of Occam's razor; It is probably more likely that I simply have DPDR, and It just hasn't fully developed yet, rather than some neurodegenerative illness that I somehow instantaneously developed after a panic attack. But who the hell knows!
 
1 - 5 of 5 Posts
Top