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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

Me again, I feel very bad right now this is why I write to you, I know people will say to me: shut up and you always say the same thing, but I am scared to hell today. I just took a semi-nap back in the car, and I felt very very bad after waking up. I felt very anxious, like the first time in june 2003 after it happened, I woke up so strange...

Then I went to the library, and I found in my way, books on schizo. And I read it, and I felt almost out of touch with reality. I feel like I will never be able to come back normal. I really feel like I will never be able to feel normal AND calm AND not tired AND happy. I fee like schizo people, they don't cure. They just improve. I am tired to have such symptoms and those huge fears.

I have read that regression can be a form of schizphrenia. Maybe we regress but we are schizo (me, at least)?

:( Sorry for the complaint, even Freud scares me.

Allure
 
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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I could explain why "regression" is not schizophrenia. I could reassure you that you are not schizophrenic. But that would not help. It would give you the temporary fix that your mind seeks in these obsessive states. You go work yourself up, freak yourself out and then need some voice of reason to help you calm down a bit. It is a horrible cycle and it is a large part of why you are still caught in the symptoms.

I have so much sympathy for the awful feelings. I do. I had days where I woke up and felt like it had gotten so much worse, as if over night, I thought ?this is it?? and felt like it couldn?t possibly get worse than that, and also that I couldn?t possibly ever get better. I know.

But what you don?t know yet is how much you are hurting yourself. Every time we go to the library, or google the word ?schizophrenia? or read about other mental states, etc?EVERY single time, we are pushing our progress and the chance of progress back by about 10 steps.

Right after we get back from the library, we might say ?well, that certainly didn?t HELP, but it honestly didn?t make me feel any worse?it just doesn?t matter WHAT I do..?

But?.days later, or even weeks later, that particular trip to the library comes back to get us. The trip to the library sets our fears in stone ? and it?s like the day you go and read that stuff is the SEEDLING for future horrible experiences.

You can say ?it doesn?t matter WHAT I do? all you like. It DOES matter.

Every single time???EVERY SINGLE TIME that any of us investigates other forms of mental illness/symptoms is a DIRECT ASSAULT on our recovery. You might as well take a rock and hit yourself in the forehead and then ask why you can?t seem to get rid of your bad headaches.

People who have Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder say that they are FORCED to do certain rituals (counting, or turning, or reversing something) or to have certain thoughts (they have to think something ?good? to try to UNDO a bad or dangerous thought). They say they have NO CHOICE, i.e., that they have to do those things or they feel WORSE. They say if they try to NOT do them, they become so anxious and feel so crazy that they can?t function. They say they don?t want to do them, but they HAVE to do them.

That?s probably very true.

But it wasn?t always true.

There was a point where the person developed the obsessions/compulsions out of nothing. They CREATED what amounts to a ?holder/container? for their fears ? and they believe they must do or think certain things in order to stay even slightly in control of their own minds.

Fight it. Every time the OCD person gives in, they are building the next time when their obsession will be even stronger.

Do not read about other mental illnesses. Do not do it. Do not tell me you can?t help it. Do not do it. Do not say how hard it is to not do it. Do not do it.

I do not know how to put it more clearly. And I still know that many of you will be at the library next week reading about the symptoms of schizophrenia (just in case, just to ?be sure? etc?).

I know.

And I am speaking from personal experience.
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks you so much Janine,

You told this in a respectful way and thanks for this. :wink:

I won't say I can't do it. I won't say I can't help it. I will try not to search or read about mental disorders for a week, let's say (begin). Not to read about schizo (it's been a while since I did that crisis, it just turned out that schizo books were at the same place that other mental disorder books), and mostly DP/DR.

But....

Not to read about this mean : not to come and read stuff here? (I talk for myself thought). It means... not to see my psychologist specialisez in dp/dr (I talk for me) or not to see my psychiatrist? I have to see him on monday, and you know each week... Again, this med question is on the way. I want SO MUCH SO MUCH to pick a damned med and stay with it; one for severe anxiety, one for depression. That's it!!!!! I am sincere. And again, I dunno what to do, and my psy neither.

Because all those times, I think of DP/DR. All those moments. And it turns out that dp/dr is always on my mind.

I know it's not a universal question, if you have time Janine, PM me.

Thanks.

Allure
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
If I didn't have to take this klonopin, it would be a while that I would try anti-epileptic like Depakote. But I can't because of interactions.

So there's Lamictal left. (vomit), and maybe Neurontin.

Allure

I am done!

Thanks for you PATIENCE and RESPECT.
 

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For Karine, or anyone else reading that post, don't just sit back and say "she's right, I know she's right"...actually act on what she says. It will take a lot of willpower, granted, but it's vitally important if you want to get better.

And don't make excuses to yourselves either. I've lost count of the times I've said "well...5 minutes just to clarify this symptom won't hurt" and found myself 3 hours later in a state of bad anxiety that could spiral for the next few days.

You are not schizophrenic, Karine, nor will you ever be, probably, but carrying on with these symptom-searches will only make you worse.

As for the comment about Freud, Karine, he scares me too. After all, if everything he said is true, I hate my father because I have a secret jealousy that he got to sleep with my mother. But hey, that's his weirder side for you.

All the best,
Monkeydust.
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Not to read about this mean : not to come and read stuff here? (I talk for myself thought). It means... not to see my psychologist specialisez in dp/dr (I talk for me) or not to see my psychiatrist? I have to see him on monday, and you know each week... Again, this med question is on the way. I want SO MUCH SO MUCH to pick a damned med and stay with it; one for severe anxiety, one for depression. That's it!!!!! I am sincere. And again, I dunno what to do, and my psy neither.
Now. Is that actually what you think I'm saying?

Those are the kinds of games we play with ourselves.

They are very dangerous, and they keep us with symptoms.

If we say "are you saying I shouldn't come here and read about DP?" we KNOW that is not the same as researching the schizophrenia and medication websites all over the internet.

We know the difference.

But...

we're playing games in the world of Black and White Thinking. We're saying it's ALL or NOTHING and we refuse to distinguish the logical and highly obvious differences between two things.

When we say "BUT I CAN"T JUST NOT THINK ABOUT MYSELF!" we know that is not the same thing as letting ourselves HARP ON the self.

We know the difference.

But in the game of our symptoms, we pretend we don't know. We say "lead me by the hand" or "tell me EXACTLY what to do.."

We know the difference.

The day we start USING what we intrinsically know and using it ALL THE TIME (not just for a week, lol)...that is the day we truly start to recover from our symptoms.

Love,
Janine
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I am gonna do some realistic thing : going into a resto with one of my friend. :)

One day, I will come here (maybe not!) and say, hey! It's been 3 years since I came here... I am dp free since a long time, havw 2 childrens so you can! Just follow the rules :)

Allure :)
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
No Missy miss,

That is not what I say.

I talk for myself.... I have problems not to come here first, 2) to come here and just read, you know, stuff about dp/dr w/o thinking I have it, or I am worse 3)I can't just chat, I immediately pick symptoms of people or search for meds.

Argh.

The same thing with psychologist. She gives me tests about dp/d symptoms, at the end, that say to me : you have dp disorder, you know, the real one. You have to LIVE with it. NO!!! I have trouble with that. I can't talk about my life, just my life, it's always symptoms, symptoms. I have a OCD about symptoms.

The same with psychiatrist. I feel it stupid when he talks about my boyfriend or my house. I wonder what is going on. And each week I wonder which med he's gonna pick.

The day he will give me this AD (ex.) with this AC (ex.). I will see him goodbye, and see only a psychologist.

And about the med Depakote, I say that just because I am too tired to feel afraid all the time, and I know it's a good anti-convulsivant. Just, you know, calm my brain down a bit!!!!!

OK!

Allure
 

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I just want to say this once and for all- if you are afraid that you have schizophrenia, then more power to you. Really. Because it means you dont have it. Its hallmarks are confusion, brain atrophy, loss of affect - do you know what loss of affect means? You've lost the ability to be emotional. Do any of these "Do I have schizophrenia?" posts strike people as emotionless and devoid of anxiety? No? They sound like people on the edges of nervous breakdowns, biting their fingernails, pulling their hair out, and balling their eyes out, right? Schizophrenia is not like other mental disorders. Its an organic dementia. You lose brain tissue, you lose the ability to reason - the worse it gets, the less you have the capacity to care about it. How many senile old people do you see running around asking their kids - Hey, do I have dementia? Did I forget my medication? Did I forget what day it is? No, its always the other way around. "Mom, did you take your medication?" or "No, Mom, you have to wear a jacket out. Its winter." This is what happens - they cease to be able to care. They cease to have the capacity to remember things. When you have schizophrenia, everyone around you will notice first. Everyone. You wont be posting poetic musings about it on Internet boards. And you certainly wont be sitting at the library researching it. If you can sit at a library and pore over medical textbooks with ease, you dont have it. If you are walking around uttering nonsense which seems to make alot of sense to you, then you have a chance.

Peace
Homeskooled
 

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I don't want to be the bitch again Allure, but just to let you know that most of the meds I used were actually causing me more anxiety and DP.
Wich I could not bear (supporter), so I tried others meds to cope, untill I realised that the meds were only making me more sick and more DP'ed.

I stopped the meds and return to my old anxiety wich is far more gentle than the one caused by any SSRI's or Benzo.
Read the side-effects on your bottles, anxiety and DP are listed.

Take care and try putting yourself to something, I don't know like goind for walks each day, knitting :shock: , cooking, learning, yoga, visiting new places in Montreal, something that would get you out of your head (in the good way.)

PS : DP/DR doesnt lead to schizo or any worse mental state, in 10 years I've worried so much about schizo and falling suddenly dead or fainting that I'm now laughing at myself about this.

The more you put DP/DR in your life, by searching on the web, by thinking about it, the more place it takes.

What about this coffee ?
 

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I just thought I would add this to my previous posting: Allure, as you know I am not anti-med. I see the use for most things in moderation. However, I am almost completely anti-psychotic, unless there is no other answer to a delusional condition. But for DP/DR, absolutely not. It has been shown to cause gliosis of brain cells. What is gliosis? Trust me, it isnt good. I wouldnt take one for all of the money in China. At least Klonopin has been shown to stem off the onset of Alzheimer's...

Peace
Homeskooled
 
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks all

Thanks Inflammed, but you know mu current position about meds :shock: , not the same as you :wink: I mean, without nothing I am actually WORSE than with some med. I know, I've been throught the 2 sides. For me, personally, I can't taper off benzo and all, and wait to be alright. I can't I just can't.

I don't care to taper off benzo, for another med, but I can't just do it and live hell MORE than now. It's horrible. I know your position about meds, and I understand your position, but for me, I can't go through a day w/o a bou?e de sauvetage, because I am in a bad state.

Thanks Hs, I didn't thought really to take an anti-psychotic, except when I do a panic attack, I would like to take all the meds you can imagine! LOL

Thanks again,

Allure
 

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i'd love to reasure you that you aren't schizo but i can't. i know this because not even god himself could reasure me that I'M not schizo so i can't see how i could do it for anyone else. fear of schizophrenia is now a part of me. not a day, not an hour and often not even a minute goes past without my mind wandering back into obssesive thoughts of being schizophrenic. the silly thing is i KNOW i'm not schizo. My counciller and my doctor sound so tired of explaining to me that the primary part of schizophrenia is hallucinations and dellusions and without them showning effect you are not schizo. i can pretty much promise you that you aren't schizophrenic but (like me) what you have is obssessive thoughts that you are. i don't think this is dp doing this though. when i had plain old anxiety i feared HIV, cancer, heart problems and unfortuantely fearing illness and madness is part of anxiety. i don't doubt for a second that dp and dr are just a symptom of an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders are a bitch to shake though! i hope you're feeling better as your post was awhile ago. peace man xx
 
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Yah, i think you hit things right on, light the good thoguht to undo the bad on ocd, and the research creeping up on you. I thought (think :( ) i've a bad heart, and when on the internet looking at all the heart problems for MI to variose viens, average sitting pulse rate, etc. I checked my pulse countless times a day (still do it pretty often). If i drank, i was sure my heart was gonig to slow down and die. If i uppered, i was certain my heart would die. One night i even turned on the light to check if blood was filling up in my legs because that was the symptom of some cardiovasular problem i didn't remmeber the name was (but i assumed it was a major one).

And this didn't help at all. I'd get anxious, my heart rate would go up. I'd check the pulse, "oh shit, this is a really fast beat", and i'd get even more anxiety, and it just perpetuated. Last night i convinced myself that i had, above everything else, speed psychosis. I even made a plan, to start up so my parents would hear me if icollapsed from heart attack, that i'd have to come out to my parents, and that i'd survive as long as i took anti-psychotic medications. Every time i think "This is _actually real this time, i'm really fucked now"

I am gonna put up a calender in my room, highlight all the days of the past three months and write in each one of them "I was certain i was gonna die today". And write in large "I am not going to die today."
 
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