Depersonalization Support Forum banner

Fear of losing consciousness

1424 Views 9 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  Irooni98
I am so dissociated that it feels like I'm not conscious. Not just not conscious of my surroundings but really unconsciouss. it feels As if I never existed before the moment I am experiencing. And I have the strange feeling I will lose consciousness when I lose the hyperawareness of my own consciousness. It's like I am only just the hyperawareness. Is there anybody that feels sort of the same. It feels as if when don't think about my depersonalization, I will cease to exist. Like the robot that controlls me and thinks will be the only thing left and my consciousness will stop. Is there anybody that somehow feels the same way. I haven't read anything about someone experiencing this and it scares the shit out of me. I literally can't do anything right now. I'm losing hope.
  • Like
Reactions: 1
1 - 1 of 10 Posts
My impression is that anxiety around DPDR often revolves around the fear of losing control (but not only of course). It's like I am pushing at a wall, and I see the wall doesn't move, so it means the wall is pushing back (from physicist's perspective this is technically true), so if I stop pushing the wall I am afraid it is going to move towards me and is going to crush me, so I need to push harder, but the wall still doesn't move, so it means the wall is now pushing even harder against me, so I am even more in danger if I stop pushing and this increases my anxiety. If this is the case, and if I say it like this, it seems like an easy problem. I just have to stop pushing and see that the wall doesn't crush me and the problem is solved. But in reality it is probably not as simple as that. There are probably reasons why these problems start in the first place too, and reasons why I am afraid of this and someone else maybe isn't.
And in DPDR, that wall isn't even solid or immobile, everything is constantly moving, and the wall might even yield a little when I push it, giving me the impression that this control thing I am doing is working, when sometimes I might not really be in control of anything. Sometimes we look too much at details and we trick ourselves into thinking we are in control when in fact we are not. I think every human's mind is very messy, things change and move, but sometimes it is not so related to what we are doing, or not in the way we think. And I feel that sometimes it is better to relax in this mess rather than thinking we should be able to put it in order so that it doesn't threaten us. When we realize that this order we want never happens, we might freak out, thinking there is something wrong with us. But what is wrong is often that we think we should have been in control in the first place, when usually a lot of people don't care about this and don't even look into their inner mess, perhaps too because they don't have this ability to this extent, and this makes them safer.

Recently I have tried to be more in contact with my feelings, even the negative ones, and felt like this was maybe helping with my DR (but not sure). I have had more insomnia around the same time, maybe it's related. But at some point I started to feel some DP, and not being sure of many things in my mind, feeling a bit paranoid about some friends, and I was trying to find tricks to get out of this feeling. And sometimes it was working, and sometimes not, so I was kind of building a library of what works and what doesn't work in this sort of situation so as to go further. It was not going much better on the longer run, and at some point I tried to remember where this all started because it was not going well, and I thought it might have started when I made this decision to be more accepting towards my feelings. I thought that if this is causing all these problems, then I prefer to have DR and be farther from my feelings, at least for the time being, so I gave up and kind of wished that DR to come back to protect me. And that sort of DP problem was lifted instantly........ (but my DR didn't increase, I just felt better in general) it doesn't always work this way though. And I believe sometimes we may still be right sometimes about what we are trying to do (and sometimes not) but my feeling is that it is important to be gentle, and not do everything with 100% of the power, thinking it will make us cured faster.
See less See more
1 - 1 of 10 Posts