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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I just can't seem to find the words to how I feel right now - so if I sound like a blabbering mess - I'm Sorry


I feel that this is in fact the worst my Depersonalization has ever been - I seem to experience each day as the first day of my life in a bad way, like I have forgotten all my past and as the day goes on it feels as if my mind resets itself every so often, thinking of a task I done earlier on in the day seems like complete out and out dream, like it never happened. My eyes feel numbed and my skull feels empty, my limbs feel so limp and heavy I feel like a ragdoll.

I could'nt even enjoy a day out fishing with my Dad on Saturday, everything was so flat and dream-like. This feels so bad that I can't see a recovery to a more bearable state of this.

I really do fear ending up pickled with Dementia and Losing control of my thoughts and actions.

I'm posting this just to describe how I feel, I'am not looking for reasurance of any kind, because words are just the same as objects to me, not real, figment of my imagination.

Take Care.

I have to respond because the little "talking balls" in your signature are so darn adorable.

I know nothing really reassures when you're this far gone, but PLEASE at least believe my honest sincerity when I tell you I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE.

I remember one day in my 20's sitting in the psychiatrist's lobby. I'd been seeing him for over 2 years, getting only worse, trying lots of meds, nothing was working. I remember thinking "HOW did it get to this?" and it seemed like I wished I could go back to the NORMAL dp state when I first felt so horrible, as if that state was NOTHING compared to this total loss of all meaning.

Nobody on this earth could have convinced me that my brain was not permanently damaged at that point. I had NO sense of self, no sense of being a living human being....I was like a splinter or a ghost that existed only in terror. I looked normal, most days I could sort of act normal (although I was more and more housebound) but inside I was GONE, literally totally gone.

All I had left was a splinter of self that couldn't even cry over what had happened, could only WATCH in silent horror as the last ounce of my lifeself drained away.

I am here.
NOTHING had actually happened to my brain.

Please believe me. I would not have believed anyone at that time, yet I ask you to believe me. The state I was in was keeping my Self off to the sidelines, so far I could not even see it. But it was there.



i experience the same, i am not even sure if every day i am getting worse or not, i believe i am. what i dont understand is if it is this bad and debilitating, why do i keep waking up, why do i bother doing anything? it seems like i am waiting for everything to be taken away. the only thing i have to hold on to is the fact that i realize that i am not feeling ok, i know something is wrong, even though most of the time i don't even know what is so wrong about how i feel, i cant even think. when i try to pinpoint exactly what is wrong or how i feel, i can't grasp it. i have struggled with meds and therapy for six years now, i am only one seems to have an answer, so all i hold on to is that i know i am not here, so logically something must be aware, out of my concious mind. i hope someone, or even myself can come up with some solution, some way to turn the switch off, some way to give back the control. i will keep trying.

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298 Posts
i will keep trying.

I feel for you - I really do. I wish I could say more than stick with it and keep pushing, keep engaging, keep fighting. This is one of those battles where you're are constantly working against it, or working for it.

You'll do fine. No matter where you go - remember, you're always there.
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