Hey everyone. I feel like I am dying with anxiety and OCD over some memory problems I've been having lately. I'm going to share my story and I'm desperately hoping someone will read this and can help! I can't see my therapist until Thursday.
I've been having problems with my memory for a year, ever since I had a horrifying experience where I couldn't tell if a memory I woke up with one morning was a vivid dream or if it had happened to me. I spiraled into a panic and eventually developed PTSD and depersonalization over it because the theme of my OCD for many years centered around fears of going crazy or developing psychosis, and I thought it was actually happening.
After the original incident, I eventually told myself "I'm fine, it was just a one-time incident." So naturally, it started happening more. There never was as much confusion or fear or "vivid" quality behind the questionable memory as there was that first time, but it began to happen pretty frequently where a memory would pop into my head randomly and I wouldn't know whether or not it had actually happened to me. My OCD caused me to try to "prove" all of these experiences as either completely true or completely false and led to an endless string of compulsive memory checking.
For example, one evening I had a very vivid memory of seeing the inside of a burning house. I knew I had not been inside a house that was on fire, so I assumed it was something I'd seen in a movie or in a video game. I began checking movies and video games for a scene I could have been remembering, but nothing clicked. That deja-vu feeling like the burning house image I'd remembered was very familiar to me and I couldn't let it go. Eventually I accepted that it was something I'd remembered from a dream, or even just a random thought that felt like a memory, even though it wasn't.
I had many more experiences like this, and some of these memories I could prove to be true, some I knew were absolutely false immediately after I had them, and some were questionable and I still question whether they were real or not even a year later.
The memories are ALWAYS about little things, insignificant things that wouldn't matter either way.
Just yesterday I was brushing my hair and had a vague recollection of someone recently telling me that I needed a hair cut because I had too many split ends. I remembered this happening, couldn't remember who said it, and started to get that familiar anxious feeling because it couldn't have happened, and yet I remembered it.
I feel like this small event is causing me to relapse into this cycle, and the more I worry about the false memories happen, the more they happen.
Is this something that could be caused by dp/dr? Or am I actually on the verge of a psychotic break?
I don't have any other psychotic symptoms, but I'm paralyzed with fear that I'm going crazy right now.
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