How I came to develop dp
Like a lot of people who have dp I developed by dp through weed, but I believe there a lot more reasons related to my physiological makeup that determined my fate, as before I even started smoking weed I think I was slightly disassociated from my self an I am sure this stemmed from a low self confidence and a questioning mind that I had had since young, for example I would constantly think about god, the universe and why I am here, what if the whole world is a dream, and I can remember some dreams from my childhood including a disturbing dream that has stuck in my mind for years about my family, where I Went downstairs and they all had static like on a television where there faces should have been and I couldn?t communicate with them , and this imagery stuck in mind, when I look back maybe it was me disassociating from my parents or something?
I think the bad dp and anxiety I have now though fully developed when I was a teenager and It all started when I first started dabbling in drugs, at first I just drank alcohol with my friends and I was pretty normal if a little shy teenager who enjoyed music, films and skateboarding, then one day I decided I would try weed with my friends, so we had a few spliffs of resin, and I liked it, it gave me a buzz but I can recall that it was a totally different experience to alcohol which I preferred, cos it just made me more carefree but made it a little harder and weirder to skate, cos I was always like so loose that I couldn?t even be bothered to skate, and if I messed up or whatever I didn?t even care I would just laugh, so I smoked weed (mostly just resin) about every week or 2 weeks and I was getting on with my life just fine , my social life was good I was doing fine at school, I then went through a period of about a year without smoking anything and then I finished school, and I had a long summer in front of me so I eagerly took up the offer of smoking weed with my friends to pass the time and to enhance my enjoyment of the summer, so that was how it was , we smoked weed every few days , skated got high generally had a good time , my friend who at the time got the weed for us then suggested we started smoking skunk instead of resin as it was a better high and tastes nicer, so we started smoking skunk and it was good for a while, nicer and more prolonged high than the resin, and tasted lovely (nutty) , we then decided we would try some super skunk that had been dipped in lsd and it was with my second experience with weed like this that I first tripped, and it was a conscious effort on my part because I wanted to experience first hand what it would be like to be completely out of it, and that is the experience I had, I found all I had to do was concentrate on something for ages and then wait until the image in front of me started changing like for example I was staring at the floor for ages and then cartoon characters would start appearing and beckoning me down corridors that had appeared in the grass, I thought all this was really cool and my friends would laugh at how wasted I was, as they were just busy getting high they didn?t care about tripping out or seeing things.
I went on like this for about another year and I was doing quite good at college even while I was stoned and got a merit (equal to a b grade) for most of my assignments so my education was doing well, even though I was still tripping out on weed all the time and smoking lots, then during the second year something seemed to change deep within me . I got more depressed and started having weird niggling thoughts enter my head, it felt like my perception of everything had changed and my mind constantly felt overloaded and I thought I was gaining real trippy insights into life and existence, though I found it hard to express these insights I was experiencing, like my brain was overloaded from all the trips I?d had and the insight they had given me, but I was still able to function, and then it happened one day I was smoking weed and I started to really trail off from reality and much of this time is a blur I can only remember bits of what the fuck was going on in my mind , but what was going on must have been so internally complex that to explain everything would have taken ages and I cant remember half of what I was thinking during these periods, I just have flashbacks of experiences where I was tripping and there all hazy, I then really had the first signs of losing touch with everything around me , when I started to find it hard to communicate with people around me and found it hard to know where the hell I was and what was going on, then it became painfully obvious to my friends that my head was fucked up when I went out to film with my friends about zombies, and on the way down I was really paranoid about how my friends were acting towards me , like they had a malicious intent even thought they obviously didn?t , I then completely freaked out when they gave me a machete to film a scene , and thought they wanted to kill me, the tried to ease me down but images were flashing through my mind of it being on the front page about how I was killed by my friends with a machete, and then one of them jokily said something about killing some scallies who were In the park near to were we were and I freaked and ran to another friends house, and I went back to his and I totally thought that my friends were going to come back and butcher me, and however much everyone tried to convince me they weren?t going to do that, I wasn?t convinced, so I decided to avoid the weed for a while, but then I found myself returning to the weed again and this was when I experienced an even worse panic attack because I had smoked some weed and when I got home I was like oh my god where am I , who am I , I?m going o die I?m going to die I?m going to die, and I was crying about it , I really didn?t know where I was, and so the next day I went to the doctors who prescribed me with beta blockers to help with my panic attacks , and they made me like a zombie, and I didn?t smoke weed for a while then I decided on new years eve what the hey I might as well smoke and get drunk, which was a big mistake cos I was in a state of almost blacking out and my spatial awareness was fucked and I didn?t know where I was again, so I avoided the weed again but felt depressed and lifeless and started cutting myself(not very badly but I felt like hutting myself badly) and beating myself up cos I felt so empty and worthless, and then I started having thoughts about being the next messiah or something and I was like what he fuck why am I thinking that? And then I started having a load of delusions that my mind couldn?t make sense of , it was like my mind was overloading with ideas and dreams, and I felt uncomfortable all the time and my work at college was slipping badly, the crunch came when I smoked weed once when I was at a friends house, it was the worst experience I?ve ever had of weed ever, when people describe having the horrors off weed it was like that but 10 times worse, I could literally fell my mind flying into space, which is a hard concept to understand but my body , mind felt like it had left this planet and gone somewhere else, and I could not make sense of any external stimuli, it was then the next day which was the day before I went in to hospital, and one this day I kept on thinking that I was some kind of vampire and that I could not venture outside, and this was probably the first day I had ever believed a delusion really strongly, and I also thought that if I went to college something bad would happen etc etc, so many thoughts that I can?t remember them, it was then when my mum started to talk to me that she relised that there was something wrong as I was really paranoid and wasn?t making much sense, I then told her what I was going though and the immense confusion and the delusional thoughts I was having, she then took me to the doctor who said I should go the psychiatric word at maccesfield, so I went there, and when I got there I honestly thought I would spend the whole of my life there, I felt completely and utterly insane beyond repair and I was so annoyed at myself for taking things too far with drugs, I shouldn?t have anything to worry about though really cos it was quite a good experience as I learnt about other people better and could communicate my problems to other people who were likely to understand , cos they had problems as well , and I slowly started to get better and more down to earth and feeling better, though many days everything felt unreal and I felt in confusion a lot of the time. I stayed in there for about a few months and then when I was ready I came out and started to get better though they have put me on olanzapine which is getting smaller in doses by the day, but I still feel detached and empty and hopeless a lot of the time, but I hope that with a good combination of meds and my own self discipline I can get better.