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Falling_Frees Story

3356 Views 10 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  falling_free
How I came to develop dp

Like a lot of people who have dp I developed by dp through weed, but I believe there a lot more reasons related to my physiological makeup that determined my fate, as before I even started smoking weed I think I was slightly disassociated from my self an I am sure this stemmed from a low self confidence and a questioning mind that I had had since young, for example I would constantly think about god, the universe and why I am here, what if the whole world is a dream, and I can remember some dreams from my childhood including a disturbing dream that has stuck in my mind for years about my family, where I Went downstairs and they all had static like on a television where there faces should have been and I couldn?t communicate with them , and this imagery stuck in mind, when I look back maybe it was me disassociating from my parents or something?

I think the bad dp and anxiety I have now though fully developed when I was a teenager and It all started when I first started dabbling in drugs, at first I just drank alcohol with my friends and I was pretty normal if a little shy teenager who enjoyed music, films and skateboarding, then one day I decided I would try weed with my friends, so we had a few spliffs of resin, and I liked it, it gave me a buzz but I can recall that it was a totally different experience to alcohol which I preferred, cos it just made me more carefree but made it a little harder and weirder to skate, cos I was always like so loose that I couldn?t even be bothered to skate, and if I messed up or whatever I didn?t even care I would just laugh, so I smoked weed (mostly just resin) about every week or 2 weeks and I was getting on with my life just fine , my social life was good I was doing fine at school, I then went through a period of about a year without smoking anything and then I finished school, and I had a long summer in front of me so I eagerly took up the offer of smoking weed with my friends to pass the time and to enhance my enjoyment of the summer, so that was how it was , we smoked weed every few days , skated got high generally had a good time , my friend who at the time got the weed for us then suggested we started smoking skunk instead of resin as it was a better high and tastes nicer, so we started smoking skunk and it was good for a while, nicer and more prolonged high than the resin, and tasted lovely (nutty) , we then decided we would try some super skunk that had been dipped in lsd and it was with my second experience with weed like this that I first tripped, and it was a conscious effort on my part because I wanted to experience first hand what it would be like to be completely out of it, and that is the experience I had, I found all I had to do was concentrate on something for ages and then wait until the image in front of me started changing like for example I was staring at the floor for ages and then cartoon characters would start appearing and beckoning me down corridors that had appeared in the grass, I thought all this was really cool and my friends would laugh at how wasted I was, as they were just busy getting high they didn?t care about tripping out or seeing things.

I went on like this for about another year and I was doing quite good at college even while I was stoned and got a merit (equal to a b grade) for most of my assignments so my education was doing well, even though I was still tripping out on weed all the time and smoking lots, then during the second year something seemed to change deep within me . I got more depressed and started having weird niggling thoughts enter my head, it felt like my perception of everything had changed and my mind constantly felt overloaded and I thought I was gaining real trippy insights into life and existence, though I found it hard to express these insights I was experiencing, like my brain was overloaded from all the trips I?d had and the insight they had given me, but I was still able to function, and then it happened one day I was smoking weed and I started to really trail off from reality and much of this time is a blur I can only remember bits of what the fuck was going on in my mind , but what was going on must have been so internally complex that to explain everything would have taken ages and I cant remember half of what I was thinking during these periods, I just have flashbacks of experiences where I was tripping and there all hazy, I then really had the first signs of losing touch with everything around me , when I started to find it hard to communicate with people around me and found it hard to know where the hell I was and what was going on, then it became painfully obvious to my friends that my head was fucked up when I went out to film with my friends about zombies, and on the way down I was really paranoid about how my friends were acting towards me , like they had a malicious intent even thought they obviously didn?t , I then completely freaked out when they gave me a machete to film a scene , and thought they wanted to kill me, the tried to ease me down but images were flashing through my mind of it being on the front page about how I was killed by my friends with a machete, and then one of them jokily said something about killing some scallies who were In the park near to were we were and I freaked and ran to another friends house, and I went back to his and I totally thought that my friends were going to come back and butcher me, and however much everyone tried to convince me they weren?t going to do that, I wasn?t convinced, so I decided to avoid the weed for a while, but then I found myself returning to the weed again and this was when I experienced an even worse panic attack because I had smoked some weed and when I got home I was like oh my god where am I , who am I , I?m going o die I?m going to die I?m going to die, and I was crying about it , I really didn?t know where I was, and so the next day I went to the doctors who prescribed me with beta blockers to help with my panic attacks , and they made me like a zombie, and I didn?t smoke weed for a while then I decided on new years eve what the hey I might as well smoke and get drunk, which was a big mistake cos I was in a state of almost blacking out and my spatial awareness was fucked and I didn?t know where I was again, so I avoided the weed again but felt depressed and lifeless and started cutting myself(not very badly but I felt like hutting myself badly) and beating myself up cos I felt so empty and worthless, and then I started having thoughts about being the next messiah or something and I was like what he fuck why am I thinking that? And then I started having a load of delusions that my mind couldn?t make sense of , it was like my mind was overloading with ideas and dreams, and I felt uncomfortable all the time and my work at college was slipping badly, the crunch came when I smoked weed once when I was at a friends house, it was the worst experience I?ve ever had of weed ever, when people describe having the horrors off weed it was like that but 10 times worse, I could literally fell my mind flying into space, which is a hard concept to understand but my body , mind felt like it had left this planet and gone somewhere else, and I could not make sense of any external stimuli, it was then the next day which was the day before I went in to hospital, and one this day I kept on thinking that I was some kind of vampire and that I could not venture outside, and this was probably the first day I had ever believed a delusion really strongly, and I also thought that if I went to college something bad would happen etc etc, so many thoughts that I can?t remember them, it was then when my mum started to talk to me that she relised that there was something wrong as I was really paranoid and wasn?t making much sense, I then told her what I was going though and the immense confusion and the delusional thoughts I was having, she then took me to the doctor who said I should go the psychiatric word at maccesfield, so I went there, and when I got there I honestly thought I would spend the whole of my life there, I felt completely and utterly insane beyond repair and I was so annoyed at myself for taking things too far with drugs, I shouldn?t have anything to worry about though really cos it was quite a good experience as I learnt about other people better and could communicate my problems to other people who were likely to understand , cos they had problems as well , and I slowly started to get better and more down to earth and feeling better, though many days everything felt unreal and I felt in confusion a lot of the time. I stayed in there for about a few months and then when I was ready I came out and started to get better though they have put me on olanzapine which is getting smaller in doses by the day, but I still feel detached and empty and hopeless a lot of the time, but I hope that with a good combination of meds and my own self discipline I can get better.
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Yeh I believe its mostly because of the effects of it has on your counciousness in regards to how time space feels, but even though weed has had some negative effects on me , I really honestlly think that is due to the makepup of my mind instead of the drug soley on it's own, as I know plenty of people who smoke loads and loads of weed but are still doing well and getting on with their lives and arn't develpoing strange beliefs and delusions, and if I could smoke weed without getting parionoid I still would as it gives me something to do, and though spose it could be argued that weed demotivates I think it can be a very benfical and calming drug and I also believe that weed should be legal, as I find it illogical that drugs such as nicotine, caffiene and alchol are freely avalible, while a natrual herb that can be smoked and can have different effects on people depending on how their madeup (much like alchol, eg some people get hyper , some people get violent) is illegal, I think it is a violation of rights that I cannot do with my body with my mind as I wish , instead of the goverment banning certain natrual substances that I may wish to take into my body to enhance my enjoyment of this thing we call life

to quote bill hicks -

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?
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update - I have now been diagnoised by a doctor as having schizoaffective disorder. :shock:
I promise, already added some paragraphs, being the considerate soul I am.
f you really are Schizophrenic, chances are that you wouldn't be, had you not smoked all that marijuana and LSD in your youth:
Well not scitzothenic..... schizoaffective, there is a slight difference between the two though I spose it falls within the scitzophenic/bipolar category or the more serious side of the mental health spectrum.
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