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23 years old. Experienced a bout of depersonalization when I was 18 (marijuana-induced) - the most soul-wrenching, anxious, debilitating mental pain I have ever known - heavy presence/fear of evil or "satan" in my mind. The worst of it (after a month) was extinguished by xanax. Swallowed the pill, fell into a sleep unlike the ones I had been having - a real sleep - woke up in a clear place.

For many months, I was uncomfortable with anything I perceived capable of bringing back the depersonalization, derealization, or heart-pounding displacement I had been through. I began to run from thoughts - those of satan, or anything related to biblical evil - then, irrational worries that I was less intelligent as a result of my experience - obsessive pushing away of thoughts (sounds funny, but isn't) of mental disability - the word "retard" imprinted itself into my mind. A visual representation of the word, spelled out, in my mind, and my obsession with it - distorting it. Rearranging the letters to destroy it

Irrational, incessant pain

The obsessions have changed over time - things trivial and light as air to others, but suffocating to me. The state of my ailments have only worsened over time - I count every step I take, every brush of material on surfaces, every syllable of each sentence spoken my both myself and others - I am essentially doing a pain-staking amount of quick math in my head at all times. Without delving into the precise details of my obsessions, the moments I cherish most are the ones where my numbers are right, or in the right place, allowing me to be comfortable.

I do not want this

I do not want to feel this

Or be this way anymore. I am compromised - spiritually, mentally, and to a degree, physically (irrational physical movements) - this has ruined my world - my work, my vehicle, my friendships, most of what I formerly valued is gone. I find it difficult to function in a workplace - although I do.

The inquiry - is there anyone else at all who has developed OCD as a result of depersonalization? Did you seek help? Have medications/therapy alleviated your symptoms?
 

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absolutely, I have really annoying OCD tendencies like constantly noticing when I'm about to drop into sleep (So I wake myself up scared of going unconscious), sleepless nights. Realistically, I think the DP is in itself an OCD of overthinking your existence. No medications have worked and haven't tried therapy. Will do soon though, good luck brother.
 
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