[Blake]

I had a job interview today. Returning to the workzone after a month or two in a downward spiral. In the past 2 weeks, I have felt way better/stronger/less anxious and thought I could handle "re-integration" into day-to-day work. I have been psyching myself up for the past two days and thought I could handle it. A simple office temp sort of job I was interviewing for. All I had to prove was that I could do mind-numbing data entry work. I woke up this morning and FREAKED THE F--- OUT.

I went from quasi-prepared last night to a total wreck this morning. I donned the monkey suit and left, fully intending to go through with it .... and as I pulled into the place.... my mind went into turbo-dp/dr-mode. "Im going to think this interviewer is a robot/stumble over words/generally appear to not be a worthy candidate because I am CRAZY (at least at the moment)."

And the beast won and I simply pulled directly out of the parking lot and proceeded to chain smoke the entire way home, wondering how I was going to explain this very crappy move to my family (who have been supporting me through these past weeks).

YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR. expletive-expletive-expletive.

I feel doomed. The last job I interviewed for (3 weeks ago) they hired me... and guess what.. when it was time to begin... the same thing happened. Pulled in .... dp/dr went full throttle.... and pulled right back out of the place. Didn't even give myself a chance to succeed or fail.

I feel like Im all talk and no action when it comes down to "go-time."

So, anywhooo, theres no point to this post except to vent to those who might understand what happened.

FRUSTRATION!!! ANGER!!!

What now, board? Thanks for "listening."

Blake

"so sick of being tired, and oh so tired of being sick"
-adam lazarra

 

[Dreamer]

Dear Blake,
This has happened to me time and time again. In the old days from teen through my 30s I was able to make it through interviews, and jobs, but I'd burn out, give 2 weeks notice and split. I've never been fired, never walked out, but....

In 1994, the Northridge Earthquake in CA was the ticket out of a PT job that was really low key, a good job for me. But I had been struggling through it, every single day, for 3+ years. PT .... 20 hours a week.

After the earthquake .... dear Lord, that's 10 years ago. Any interview I went to left me in DP Hell.

I'm terrified of a "real job" but know I must keep trying. I'm so sick of not being part of the "real world" and I could use the damned money.

I can only say, try, try, and try again. And it takes time. And get out and do things, volunteer work is less pressure for me.... not much. Or just keep doing something constructive. Learning, taking classes in ANYTHING, whatever.

I understand.

Best,
D