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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I posted this on the anxietyforum.net and received no replies yet, so I'll try again here:

Hi

This is a bit long so please stay with me...

I'm going to start off by giving some background information. I used to smoke marijuana for 2 years, as a daily chronic smoker I never experienced much anxiety from it besides the ocassional paranoid thought patterns, which I quickly recognized and put aside. But lately, I've been having these weird thoughts about what life is, and because I read an article about the "holographic universe" I freaked out at the possibility of us being in a hologram. So my anxiety slightly arose, but again nothing to worry about.

When suddenly, I smoked a couple of joints at a party, and this tremendous flow of fearful thoughts got the best of me. Instead of saying woah that's weird, and moving on as I used to do in the past. This time it was full blown, weird thought after weird thought all questioning the very foundations of reality. Still no big deal as I love philosophy and have read a lot of articles concerning the meaning of life. But then out of the blue, I see some guys and somehow (I'll spare you the irrational details) I thought they killed me. Yes I thought I died and have gone to Hell! And all of these repressed anxious thoughts made me believe I really died somewhere along the road. I thought this is hell, not blazing fires and damnation, simply a mental torture that feels eternal, like it will never end.
I was still acting 'normal' and responsive to friends and other people but in myself I couldn't get rid of this hideous anxious shockwave flowing through my body.

The day after I felt like sh*t! I wanted to live and forget, but these thoughts of me having died were extremely scary and intrusive, it also left me wondering wether I permanently altered my brain somehow.
A week later, I smoked again with some friends. And that joint (also my last) left me wondering, why I am me and not someone else. A question I really regret asking myself, this resulted in a second anxiety attack with full blown Derealization/Depersonalization.
And now two months later the anxiety has cornered me. I can't find a way out of this. It's as if I'm stuck with life because of the anxiety, I can't enjoy it anymore like I used to no matter how hard I try and I must question everything. But the worst of all is the DP/DR where I feel like a game that's stuck in an infinite loop. I look at my computer screen, gaming, and suddenly these existential thoughts pop up, and I know that a DP will be eminent. I can't describe how bad the DP feels like, but I can tell you it's the worst, and no human being deserves this...

Now I'm left wondering, WHY am I, what's the point, ... These thoughts scare the crap out of me. Because they make everything feel unreal and extremely weird (absurd, incomprehensible, dreamlike). I never thought of suicide as I used to love life way too much, but the anxiety made me think of stuff I didn't know I was even capable of thinking and it left me wondering wether suicide is the only way out. But then again I'm terrified of dying and my existence simply vanishing that I wouldn't even consider suicide.
the DP sometimes makes me feel as if my existence is going to be whiped off, rolled up like a scroll and gone am I. These thoughts also contribute heavily to the anxiety
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Lastly: are there pills or therapy for curing anxiety this big? And will it permanently heal my anxiety?

THANKS for reading
If there's anything you can say to help me or just share your story, ANYTHING to make me feel a little bit more comfortable, as I'm on edge over these absurd issues all the time lately.... It would be MUCH appreciated!!!!

Peace
 

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I can so relate, today i got punched in the back of the head by two drunk guys while i was on my bike (luckily he skimmed my head) I went home and sat down upset and i said to myself what if i just got knocked out then and im in a coma and this is just a dream but luckily i managed to distract my self and shake it off. It happens all the time, the other thing is i think i died a year ago after i had a panic attack smoking weed and i keep convincing my self it wasnt weed it was some bad drug and it killed me and now im here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Pills wont cure DP/DR.

You have to step out of the box and really analyse what is happening to you and why.

Did you ever consider that maybe the existential thoughts are just a puppet and the real problem is the puppet-master?

Maybe these thoughts aren't the real problem, maybe something else happened.

How was your childhood ?

Have you ever had any traumatic experiences in your life ?
Not realy any traumatic experiences anctually... Had a pretty normal childhood, I can still remember most of it. You could say I was a pretty spoiled child in some way.

Lately I've been having a spiritual crisis and this was the onset of the whole thing. And especially smoking tons of pot, although it actually didn't affect me while I was in college.

My 'educated' guess would be I'm having an existential/spiritual crisis and those feelings I'm experiencing are so overwhelming and especially intrusive that I'm thinking I have developped some sort of OCD anxiety disorder.

And yes I have considered it, I have also been struggling with some sort of depression lately, felt like eveything I'm doing is useless and ends up in failure either way (maybe that's the puppet master you speak of).

And I'm thinking of starting Cognitive Behavioral therapy, pills worsen other symptoms, or so I have heard.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I can so relate, today i got punched in the back of the head by two drunk guys while i was on my bike (luckily he skimmed my head) I went home and sat down upset and i said to myself what if i just got knocked out then and im in a coma and this is just a dream but luckily i managed to distract my self and shake it off. It happens all the time, the other thing is i think i died a year ago after i had a panic attack smoking weed and i keep convincing my self it wasnt weed it was some bad drug and it killed me and now im here.
Yep, that's exactly the sort of thoughts that I have to deal with, my life as a coma, having died somewhere, God doesn't love me back (I'm quite religious), ... Really thought whether I was psychotic and in turn these thoughts made me more anxious. Know that we're not alone and this is extreme anxiety and nothing psychotic or schizophrenic at all as some would suggest.

Anxiety I can't 'shake off', but I can learn to live with it, actually knowing that my whole life (and actually everyone's life) I was a person prone to anxiety with some anxious thoughts.

I always had to deal with OCD (not the kind where you must do something in order to stop whatever, or skip every three tiles while taking a walk, simply my own unwanted existential thoughts harassing me), I remember my first horror movies I saw kept creeping back in my mind. I just couldn't get rid of the worst images in the movies, like they kept crawling back and sometimes real vivid, I'd imagine if <instert scary character here> was hiding in my room or if it's going to crawl over my carpet and grab me by my feet, lol.

And when i was 14 I had my first 'anxiety attack' (not sure if that's what it was though). I had some big tests comming up and I felt like I'm never going to pass. Then I got distracted thinking about life, and again this overwhelming sensation of being the center of the universe, of being aware of awareness hit me. But it passed soon by itself. I wanted to know wtf that was and focused again on consciousness, and the feeling returned, but not as strong as the first time. Never put much thought into it, I always thought I had some spiritual revelation or something, until lately where I figured it was just a small anxiety attack because of the tests.

Also I'm not bothering pills as Cihan said, they won't 'cure' anything, only supress it. And I'll look into CB therapy, this can provide permanent solutions from what I've heard.

Peace
 
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