[ta82]

I'm a 35 year old male and I've had OCD my entire life. My OCD has taken on many forms since I was a child, starting with the classic germ/handwashing stuff, then counting, then certain words were good or bad, and at some point in high school it turned into religious OCD, having to say certain prayers over and over again, etc. Recently (a couple years ago) it turned into what I would called "existential" OCD, or maybe more accurately a type of OCD where I had to be completely aware of every little thing in my environment, I.e. when I would drive I had to know exactly what direction I was going in, and if I wasn't going directly north south east or west it would mess with me and make me feel dizzy and disoriented. It was at that time that I started experiencing derealization. I was also going through SSRI withdrawal, and I was dealing with terrible anxiety and depression as well. This lasted for about a year and slowly I got better and back to myself. I'm on a new SSRI now and it seemed to have been working until about a month ago, when my OCD latched onto a new topic that's somewhat odd and difficult to explain. I became obsessed with what time of year it is and what it's supposed to "feel" like. For instance, it's March, and all I can think about is "what does March feel like" or "how is today supposed to feel, it's Wednesday, so what does Wednesday feel like?" The more I think about this the more I doubt that everything is "perfect" so it causes really bad anxiety and eventually leads to me feeling disoriented and derealized. Another thing that is having an effect is now I'm trying to visualize time and the past and the future and where it is. I'm almost trying to visualize time spatially and I can't obviously have a definitive answer to that absurd question so then I get disoriented thinking that, and it takes me right out of the present into derealization and causes more anxiety and so on and so on. I was thinking that March is a transitional month so where is it? It doesn't feel like it's here and now and it's causing a lot of problems for me. So anyway, I know all this is in my mind and my OCD is just latching onto it and not letting it go, and it's totally stupid and all that, but it's causing me stress because I need to know that everything "feels" right all of the time and I need to know where I am, when it is, and what exactly is going on around me at all times, and these doubts about what certain days and months are supposed to "feel" like is really messing with that. Anyway, I don't expect anyone to have that particular problem, but I'm just wondering if anyone with existential type OCD has these issues that lead to excessive rumination and eventually DP/DR. And if so, how do you deal with it? I know ERP is the preferred method, and I try to let these thoughts just pass without reacting, but it's difficult when I feel like I'm getting lost and losing my freaking mind over this dumb stuff. Thanks for reading, any advice would be much appreciated.