[Guest]

I had DP for a good 2 and a half weeks but then it sorta lifted. I just had a feeling of things being 'wrong' and a feeling that I couldn't put my finger on. My body felt weird and alien. I was detached from my emotions. Well it started to lift but then these philosophical, metaphysical and existential thoughts started to get to me.

It happened last week, I just slowly started to realise how arbitrary, odd, strange the human experience is. Like what is it? I started thinking about my own brain and how freaky it is. How we're just matter experiencing itself. What is existence? What is conciousness and how does it work? What are thoughts and how can I be having them? But it's like, I know there's no real answer to these questions. And I must have, on some level thought about these things before but without the acute, debilitating anxiety and depression that I feel now. It all just feels so meaningless and strange and scary and confusing. I don't wanna think about it but I always do. It's been like this for 5 days and is showing no signs of letting up. Each day is a chore. I feel like I'm seeing life, existence and the human experience in a way that I cannot unsee.

I don't even know if this is DP. This is worse than my original DP symptoms. Why is literally everything so freaky? I recognise things yet they look unfamiliar. I've heard I should just distract myself but I can't. My original DP I got over by just saying 'let it happen' when the feelings came, but my problem now is that the feelings and thoughts that I have themselves freak me out. There are no thoughts in particular that I'm afraid of. I'm LITERALLY afraid of thinking. That's something that I can't get away from. It's horrible and debilitating and I can't distract myself from it at all. I feel like I've been cursed. I feel so confused and scared and horribly alone. It's so horrible. I don't know what to do at this point.

Can anyone relate to my story? Can anybody offer some advice? I do want to get better. I don't want to wallow. I was recovering and then it got 1000x worse

 

[Pondererer]

I 100% can relate to this. As far as i'm concerned, this is a very accurate description of DP

After years of this WTF condition, i've learned that you just gotta keep distracting yourself. Keep moving 1 step forward with your life, even though it feels more weird than words could possibly describe.

 

[Carl_34_m_UK]

Does any of this relate to how you are feeling\thinking. This is a thread I started
http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/53866-thoughts-of-being-disturbedscared-about-being-alive/

 

[dutas]

yes, i look at things that are familiar and i ask myself why is this supposed to be attractive? i look at a girls ass and i know i like it but i dont feel it and i just ask myself why is this supposed to arouse me? i think its the lack of emotional connection with what you see

 

[nananas]

Hey dudes, I have been through exactly the same stuff that you're going through. It's a start of a spiritual journey that will never end until you finally find your clarity. Anyhow, there is stuff you can do to make it easier right now, and it is just accepting what is coming and going through your mind and ACCEPTING ACCEPTING ACCEPTING no matter how freaky or weird stuff your mind or brain is creating. There IS light on the other side of the tunnel and the way to get there is exactly the one that you're on right now.

I was still freaking out like 1 year ago until I read a book called "Hope and Help for your Nerves" by Claire Weekes, and it was a huge start that had led me into completely different atmospheres... I have understood that what was going on in my mind with all of these questions was not an "ill mind" but simply a mind that is starting to realise the nature of existence and its incapability to understand it. The mind understands that there is something beyond it, which makes it _freak_out. So if this is happening to you, just let all of these questions wonder around and know that no matter how much you're thinking about them, you will never get the answers. The reality is something that the mind cannot understand, it is a state of being that already exists and understands itself perfectly, and your mind is just a wall that is standing in between you and seeing and understanding.

So, you want to know about reality? KNOW YOURSELF. Know that there is more to all this than your mind and its endless questions. Know that something bigger is taking care of all of this, and that one day you will run into some material that will really ring the bells inside of you, and you will finally UNDERSTAND. Like I said in the beginning, I went through all of this stuff of asking crazy endless questions, seeing everything as unreal, thinking I could never get out of it... But it was just the beginning of a wonderful deep spiritual journey that couldn't have happened otherwise. I wasn't even a spiritual person until my pain was literally rubbing it against my face. It is to learn to look at things WITHOUT BELIEFS, WITHOUT THOUGHTS, WITHOUT CONCEPTS, WITHOUT QUESTIONS... And seeing behind the questions.

I don't know how long I should go on about this, I just signed in on this forum to bring you guys some hope and to let you know that there IS a possibility to understand this stuff, but it doesn't come through the mind, and that there IS a way out of the pain which is the ACCEPTANCE of the pain and the wacky experiences. Just try it out and you will see... It will take some time, and when you notice you're getting frustrated or "it's not working out", accept and love that part of yourself that is trying to get out of it or doesn't believe in it or is tired of trying and trying and trying... Folks, this is not about trying, this is about letting the healing happen by not trying; it's about learning to relax; it's about learning to just watch what is going on in your head and accepting it as it is. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY. You will fight against it until you see that it will not work and it will just get worse until you say: "I'm done, I cannot do anything about this", and BOOM, you will see what happens...

Once again, read the book that I recommended (Hope and Help for your Nerves by Claire Weekes). It's old stuff but this lady is wonderful and brings you hope and belief that you can come out of all of this, and that many people have come out of it before you, and that it is very very much possible to do it. IT IS NOT EASY AND WHAT WE'RE GOING THROUGH HERE is harder than what most people will ever go through in their lives. You're dying from inside, nobody understands you, you don't understand what is going on, but you just want to know... And believe me, you will know, you will understand so much more that you will laugh about all of your questions and all the misery you were going through (but loving and respecting it at the same time, because you know it was the factor that brought you on this journey.)

I wish you all very good luck and just if there is anything in which you think I could help you just feel free to ask... I'm not a doctor, I'm not a superhuman or anything but at least I know how it feels like to be in that _super_scary_state and how to come out of it, feeling wonderful and more alive than most of the people around you (not 100% of the time of course, but compared to the hellish state in which you thought you would die... I love this and it FEELS SO GOOD). Just keep on going, the answers will come to you and you're not going through this stuff alone. <3 The universe and all of us are here for you and with you guys. Any questions, ask me! Love and hugs darlings - Anna xx

 

[Carl_34_m_UK]

Oh my god Anna you have given me so much hope. I am currently in mental health accommodation due to my existential thinking and constant terror that causes me pain. I've been suffering and searching for answers for 4 months and I'm currently on day 5 of acceptance which is a 24x7 mental battle! I don't know when and if it'll get easier but your words are landing deep within my mind where nothing can get to. thankyou