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I could probably write a book at this point but I will attempt to be as concise as is humanly possible.
Lets get the important stuff out of the way:
-I got this from a panic attack while smoking weed
-I developed a panic disorder over the following month
-I'm 24 and am graduating college on Saturday
annnnndddd......I cant enjoy a fucking thing.
Here's my issue, I have read all the recovery stories, everybody seems to have the same issues that I do and I understand the process to recovery and if i'm honest with myself I have gotten a little better over the last month (this is basically my second month of dealing with it). I've started working out (lost almost 40lbs in 2 months), quit smoking weed, cut back on drinking, started meditating and i'm trying to wait this out but there is another aspect to this.
When this whole thing started I dove so hard into the internet to find out whats wrong with me that I could have given a philosophy major a run for his money. I became obsessed with the nature of existence and I came to one earth shattering conclusion, "If life has no meaning and is just doing the same thing day in and day out, why do it at all?" When this thought hit me i couldn't get out of bed in the morning, the microsecond my brain became conscious in the morning before I even opened my eyes it would give me a panic attack almost as if my brain was saying, "It's all still here, we have to do this bullshit again? Will this never fucking end."
You know, a lot of people say "Life is too short.....(Insert Cliche Here)" but now thats not my opinion at all. Life is lonnnnngggg as hell and I just don't understand how everybody just walks around with a smile on their face. I know it sounds weird, if life is the only thing we'll ever do why would you not want to be a part of it and my answer is, "I don't....really.....know." Obviously if you think of the void of nothingness or the Hell you will go to if you leave on your own reprieve it scares the shit out of you and life sounds like a much better than that outcome but then what?
When this all started I saw a therapist who said two things
1. "You have something called existential depression, it's really rare and usually occurs in people who are highly intelligent and sensitive people" (Spent hours researching this, basically incurable and you just have to learn to live with the fact that you've overthought life to a fault.)
2. She jokingly said, "Listen, at best we humans have 100 years on this planet. If you cant enjoy it at least look at it like a prison sentence in the most beautiful place ever created." Which, holy shit lady you dark af.....and yet somehow I laughed at it and it gave me weird comfort.
I recognize that at this point i'm rambling, so I will attempt to wrap this up by asking several questions:
-For those of you that have recovered do these suicidal thoughts ever go away?
-Has anyone else been told they have existential depression, dark night of the soul, existential crisis or any of those and does it ever really go away?
This forum has been really helpful reading the recovery section, I guess i'm just having a hard time believing that people really GET OVER this. I find myself clicking on peoples usernames to see when they last posted. If they were on for a while and then suddenly stopped I find myself thinking, "Did they get over it, or did we lose someone who couldn't take it." I know its dark but it's just how i've been thinking.
Talk to me guys, tell me whats going on.
P.S. Im not going anywhere i'm in this for the long haul but I need to find out why I think what I think and if others have thought the same way
Lets get the important stuff out of the way:
-I got this from a panic attack while smoking weed
-I developed a panic disorder over the following month
-I'm 24 and am graduating college on Saturday
annnnndddd......I cant enjoy a fucking thing.
Here's my issue, I have read all the recovery stories, everybody seems to have the same issues that I do and I understand the process to recovery and if i'm honest with myself I have gotten a little better over the last month (this is basically my second month of dealing with it). I've started working out (lost almost 40lbs in 2 months), quit smoking weed, cut back on drinking, started meditating and i'm trying to wait this out but there is another aspect to this.
When this whole thing started I dove so hard into the internet to find out whats wrong with me that I could have given a philosophy major a run for his money. I became obsessed with the nature of existence and I came to one earth shattering conclusion, "If life has no meaning and is just doing the same thing day in and day out, why do it at all?" When this thought hit me i couldn't get out of bed in the morning, the microsecond my brain became conscious in the morning before I even opened my eyes it would give me a panic attack almost as if my brain was saying, "It's all still here, we have to do this bullshit again? Will this never fucking end."
You know, a lot of people say "Life is too short.....(Insert Cliche Here)" but now thats not my opinion at all. Life is lonnnnngggg as hell and I just don't understand how everybody just walks around with a smile on their face. I know it sounds weird, if life is the only thing we'll ever do why would you not want to be a part of it and my answer is, "I don't....really.....know." Obviously if you think of the void of nothingness or the Hell you will go to if you leave on your own reprieve it scares the shit out of you and life sounds like a much better than that outcome but then what?
When this all started I saw a therapist who said two things
1. "You have something called existential depression, it's really rare and usually occurs in people who are highly intelligent and sensitive people" (Spent hours researching this, basically incurable and you just have to learn to live with the fact that you've overthought life to a fault.)
2. She jokingly said, "Listen, at best we humans have 100 years on this planet. If you cant enjoy it at least look at it like a prison sentence in the most beautiful place ever created." Which, holy shit lady you dark af.....and yet somehow I laughed at it and it gave me weird comfort.
I recognize that at this point i'm rambling, so I will attempt to wrap this up by asking several questions:
-For those of you that have recovered do these suicidal thoughts ever go away?
-Has anyone else been told they have existential depression, dark night of the soul, existential crisis or any of those and does it ever really go away?
This forum has been really helpful reading the recovery section, I guess i'm just having a hard time believing that people really GET OVER this. I find myself clicking on peoples usernames to see when they last posted. If they were on for a while and then suddenly stopped I find myself thinking, "Did they get over it, or did we lose someone who couldn't take it." I know its dark but it's just how i've been thinking.
Talk to me guys, tell me whats going on.
P.S. Im not going anywhere i'm in this for the long haul but I need to find out why I think what I think and if others have thought the same way
