I just found this web site tonight in the midst of a panic attack set off by a couple days of severe "depression" followed of course by a fight with my boyfriend during which I told him to leave. Reading everyone's posts has been extraordinarily enlightening, and it has calmed down my anxiety considerably. I found so many of my symptoms in things that everyone else has written. I have not even heard of dp/dr until tonight, and I must say how relieved I am, because just tonight I was trying to explain to my boyfriend how I felt and thinking how crazy I sounded while I was explaining it. It's caused me to think of a fair few far fetched possibilities....
Like what if I'm not the only one, but what if everyone else on this site, with this similar problem are simply ghosts walking amongst the living? What if we are the cast of players in the dreams of those who live in reality? What if we are the cold-hearted observers in a tangible Valhalla, watching lives being played out with cold hearted detachment?
Of course, those are just silly flights of fancy, but I'm sure everyone on this site has similar flights of fancy, because I have found that I have a very rich imaginary life, perhaps to make up for my lack of a real one. Does anyone else agree?
Another thought that has popped into my poor, stressed brain is based on an observation that I have made while reading these posts. It seems to me that most of the people on here are very well spoken, seemingly well educated, and have a very clear and precise grasp on their problem and how it relates to their lives and reality. You all seem to be very deep thinkers. I suppose you have to be to deal with this sort of problem. But what if.....what if this all has something to do with evolution? Now, picture this; survival of the fittest USED to mean the strongest, toughest people survived, the weakest didn't. With the advent of the industrial, cultural, artistic, TECHNOLOGICAL revolutions, the definition of the fittest isn't what it used to be. NOW, the one's with the brains survive, THAT we know as fact. Well, of course evolution will have to take that into account now. We are, as a species, growing smarter, and we have been for years. Now it seems that with our growing intellects, our psychological disorders are becoming more complex, AND more common. Perhaps we are tapping into parts of our brains that we never needed to use before, and strange psychological side-effects are happening because of that. I think those of us with the weird psychoses are perhaps a little ahead on the evolutionary ladder. Now, if we can somehow master these psychoses, perhaps they may be beneficial to us in the long run.
BUT, dp/dr is a little scary as a sign of what's to come because it's telling us that perhaps emotional detachment will be necessary in the future. This is possibly a bad omen of things to occur.
Human beings, as a whole, in becoming more "connected" technologically, seem to actually be feeling far more DISconnected emotionally. In putting the world at our fingertips, we actually seem to be isolating ourselves.
Wow, looking back on what I've just wrote, I realized that none of this will actually help any of you, as it's so discomforting. But, I don't know, maybe if any of you have thought on this before, you may feel a little more sane knowing that someone else thinks it too.
As a semi-quick post script, I'd like to sum up my symptoms of dp/dr...
I am extremely cold. I have mastered the art of not caring. It is a curse.
I frequently feel like the human race is disgusting, and I feel disgusting for being a part of it, yet in a rather large way I feel like I'm not quite part of it.
I have watched my actions through a smoky mirror.
I get angry very easily at things I perceive to be social "faux pas", yet I can say cruel things to those closest to me because I feel somehow justified in it.
I feel detached from family members who I used to be very close to, because I feel like I don't understand where they're coming from anymore.
I feel like an alien trapped on an unfamiliar planet.
I frequently trip out on normal things about my identity. Like my name, for instance. My name doesn't sound like me, I often wonder why it's my name, I can't identify with it. It's a normal name, but it feels so foreign when I hear people say it. I can't understand how I am associated with it. Or my voice. My voice often sounds alien and unfamiliar. Or my family, my background. I often wonder, "who ARE these people, and how is it that I'm related to them?" (I know my family are good people, I just can't associated myself with them)
I frequently feel like I'm alone, and everyone secretly thinks I'm very very strange.
I know I probably didn't explain any of those things correctly, it's amazing how difficult it was to put those into words. I'm STILL confused, even after listing them off.
Well, sorry about this long-winded post. If anyone responds to it, I'll feel extremely surprised, first off....then grateful. I know I didn't help anyone, but if anyone has anything to add, that would be super.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.