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I noticed this feeling started the other day when i started thinking about someone who was previously in my life but moved away years ago and how it feels like he doesnt accually exist. It feels like that person is like an old song that you only listened to once a long time ago and when you remember its melody, you question if it was accually a real song or just ur imagination since its so long ago and you havent heard it since. This made me anxious because after that, i started having this feeling about every person in my life. Even my pets dont feel real, i see them standing at my knees, waging their tails but its like they are just part of some kind of surreal, divine game and they dont accually exist or have feelings. Like a video game. I treat them the same regardless, thinking this feeling will go away and ill be happy i never did anything completely insane when im back to normal.
Ive felt completely lost recently. The past few weeks, ive stayed in my house. I live with my mom and sister and currently they are the only people in my life right now that accually seem sorta real. Its like this house is my only world. I want so bad to have connection to my life again. All im focusing on is fictional worlds like cartoons and video games. Whenever i think of my friends, its like they are a distant memory, as if they only exist in a different world. The last few times i hung out with them, i felt like i was sucked into another world. I was anxious but powered through pretending everything was ok. I feel like ill never reach them or anything in life because i cant get the idea of it all being fake out of my head. I could be staring at one in the face as shes talking about her breakup and its like im suddenly aware shes there and its impossible for her to be there. Its awful!! My friends used to be my life. I still hang out with them when they arnt busy and want me to hang out but i get so anxious, ill even ask my mom, "should i go out today?"with the answer always being yes and that i need to.
Theres also this other thing going on. I think its because my sleep sceduals completely reversed. I wake up at like 5-7pm when its almost dark out and go to sleep between 5-9am and it might be this which is causing me to feel this: i feel like every feeling, memory, physical thing, sensation are all just an amalgamation of my consciousness floating around in a seemingly endless void. Theres no sense of time. Its like all these things happen at just that moment or linger super far in the past even if it was an hour ago or thing that appearently happened very long ago seems very recent or feel like they happen all over again. Im currently trying to fix my sleep scedual by pulling an all nighter or i guess all dayer so i go to sleep at a decent hour.
I feel in control of my body now though. I havent had that wierd sense of not being in control of my body movement in quite a while so thats good. But i still have a feeling of floating around sometimes, espessially if i have to leave my room or the room im relaxing in. If i get up to do something like use the bathroom, cook/eat or any other thing, i have an wierd spike in symptoms. Sometimes for example i were playing a video game beforehand and i had to walk out, its like the video game is whats real and the "real" world is the video game.
I dont get it. I went my whole life before this just doing stuff like playing video games and watching fictional shows and never once did i have this problem.
Ive also noticed alcohol accually decreases my symptoms? Which is funny because canabis does the COMPLETE opposite and makes me so bad i have out of body experiances and stuff.
I know this isnt simple depression like some people say. I feel completely out of wack, like im dead and the thing is i WANT to be back to normal. Ive had depression, even during this where i either dont want to feel better or feel futile ever getting better.
Currently i still repeatedly wonder through out the day when and IF life will ever feel how it did before all this started. I dont feel like i have control over this at all.
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