It feels like every little thing happening is in my head or something. That im not truely here or "with it". This whole experiance from the very beginning has felt so impossible for a living creature such as myself to EVER be capable of feeling/experiancing. This must be how a ghost feels if they exist, i swear to god. I feel alone, im seeing and feeling my life in a completely different way entirely. Things that ALWAYS felt ordinary, fluid, and just NORMAL, now feel super strang and different. Seriously, just opening my fucking fridge to get a snack feels weird, almost like that im sensing the feeling of familiarity of it to be a completely different feeling. Sometimes its so bad, i wonder why im even trying to eat if i dont exist and sometimes after really enjoying some food or drink, ill notice that feeling again and its like i was never experiancing taste to begin with at all. Every feeling ive ever had about anything ever; any person, any situation, any OBJECT, any memory, everything i can remember or am now experiancing and interacting with is now being questioned, as if experiancing feelings of any caliber shouldnt be possible.
Ive also noticed that i dont know myself AT ALL. Im super aware of my own individuality and yet cant understand myself at all. Im super aware of my vision like when i look around and im taking in everything around me, its like im just floating eyeballs with a body that im hardly in control of, if not at all sometimes. My own friends and family feel like brand new people.
This is also gonna sound wierd but this has made my entire outlook on sex and gender and all that to seem completely irrelevent. I used to think there were very vast differences between males and females and now its like were all the same, just different insecurities. We all think the same consciousness wise (i think) i also feel wierd about relationships now, questioning why its the norm to be in a 2 person relationship, why i used to have such bad jealously and insecurity issues, etc...ugh.
I used to have a pretty grounded outlook on my life, thinking i always knew what i was doing in life and if i ever felt low and depressed, i had an additude like "yeah fuck everything, but i have so much stuff to do thatll make me feel better and goals" now i dont know who that person was or if ill ever be like them again. Im changing drastically and i dont like it, i thought the way i was experiancing life was normal before because thats how its always been and noones ever said anything about dpdr feelings before so at first i thought i died. But i keep reading stuff about soul, consciousness and essence that talk about "awakening" to your new self or something and it all basically sounds like dpdr when i read about the experiance and im almost starting to think dpdr is in fact an accual part of some peoples' development mentally? Particularly very deep thinking individuals? Ive always been a very curious, sensitive, wisdom seeking and deep thinking person and im wondering if this is how everyone elses minds opperated before dpdr set in? The things i read about basically said soul loss is an experiance of completely losing yourself and everything you ever knew to be and then once you overcome that, you become your true self. I sure as hell hope this is all worth it, my god.
Ive also noticed that i dont know myself AT ALL. Im super aware of my own individuality and yet cant understand myself at all. Im super aware of my vision like when i look around and im taking in everything around me, its like im just floating eyeballs with a body that im hardly in control of, if not at all sometimes. My own friends and family feel like brand new people.
This is also gonna sound wierd but this has made my entire outlook on sex and gender and all that to seem completely irrelevent. I used to think there were very vast differences between males and females and now its like were all the same, just different insecurities. We all think the same consciousness wise (i think) i also feel wierd about relationships now, questioning why its the norm to be in a 2 person relationship, why i used to have such bad jealously and insecurity issues, etc...ugh.
I used to have a pretty grounded outlook on my life, thinking i always knew what i was doing in life and if i ever felt low and depressed, i had an additude like "yeah fuck everything, but i have so much stuff to do thatll make me feel better and goals" now i dont know who that person was or if ill ever be like them again. Im changing drastically and i dont like it, i thought the way i was experiancing life was normal before because thats how its always been and noones ever said anything about dpdr feelings before so at first i thought i died. But i keep reading stuff about soul, consciousness and essence that talk about "awakening" to your new self or something and it all basically sounds like dpdr when i read about the experiance and im almost starting to think dpdr is in fact an accual part of some peoples' development mentally? Particularly very deep thinking individuals? Ive always been a very curious, sensitive, wisdom seeking and deep thinking person and im wondering if this is how everyone elses minds opperated before dpdr set in? The things i read about basically said soul loss is an experiance of completely losing yourself and everything you ever knew to be and then once you overcome that, you become your true self. I sure as hell hope this is all worth it, my god.
