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No one around me understands what im going through. I dont think anyone would be able to understand unless they went through it. This dp and existential bullshit ive been going through the last almost 2 years has just beat me into fucking nothing. I generally feel no emotions towards people or almost anything i used to be passionate about. The only thing i enjoy anymore is video games and thats only IF i can feel any sense of motivation or bored enough. My mom is probably dying, cause her healths so bad, im fucking 22 and my dads already gone too. On top of that she drinks combined with her meds which by the way shes done since i was a kid and becomes a horrible abusive bitch. Then the next day its like it never happened cause she doesnt remember. Shes already neurotic sober anyway, shes probably the reason i never understood proper communication with other people most of my life. I hate saying i love her but i do cause she loves me but shes such a toxic person. I already hate myself and i hate life as a whole. I hate the fact we exist on this stupid planet for probably no real fucking reason. I see no point to any of it, even subjectively. I hate thinking. I hate emotions, i even hate feeling love, i hate that i ever wanted to live or ever came into existence at all. Im just so sick of it all. I want it to make sense but at the same time i dont care. I want it to end!
 

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Are you seeing a therapist right now? If not, it might be a reasonable idea to maybe find one. They probably won't be able to do much about the DPDR itself, but you are also experiencing a lot of issues with family and other things right now that it may be beneficial to just get that stuff off your chest and perhaps they could help with some of those issues at least.

I'm sorry for everything you are going through.

Btw, I'm not a big fan of having come into existence either. I also have the same feelings with respect to video games, and know a lot of people from this forum can probably relate to that as well. What kind of video games do you "enjoy" in those moments? (Feel free to respond in a PM, only if you want to, of course).
 
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