I Feel like i need to get a lot of my chest to people who undesrstand what im going thorugh and not just my family saying "ahh that must be so bad itll go".
For 18 months, 18 *** MONTHS I have suffered with CHRONIC Dissociation. From the minute i wake up, to the minute i hit the pillow i feel DRUNK. I Feel Brain Damaged.
I am now 21 from UK and live with my girlfriend in our first home. When i was 16 my dad was diagnosed with Liver Schirossis, caused from Fatty Liver (Not alcohol). For 5 years i watched my dad deteriorate, put on 15 stone, and every evening he would act drunk and agressive, as his liver was not filtering and cleaning the toxins form his blood. It was a living hell, i hated beeing home and so was always out with my friends instead. I did anything i could to not see him in that state, especially as he did not cause it, it was in his DNA and was always going to happen to him. He used to swear at my mum, sister & me, be very agressive, say nasty things, colalpse, wee himself, smoke (HE NEVER SMOKED IN HIS LIFE) it was like living with somebody who was bipolar. Like when the toxins started building up, he became a whole new person. In 2015 he had a liver transplant, when he was given 4 weeks left to live. it was a success, but after 4 months yet again every single night he was acting up, being strange, slurring his speech, being agressive. The hospital say this is side effetcs of his anti rejection medication, and only TOMORROW are theyputting him on a new tablet. So yeah i still have a very ill dad. Im not sure if this is what triggered my DP ?
Anyway, he had the transplant in July 2015, and so in August i went on holiday to celebrate with my friends , finally thanking that awfuk chapter of my life was over (So I thought) , woke up one morning and could not breathe, could not sit up or lie down, and was stuck in a 45 degree angle in bed. I was in greece, and had never experienced pain like it. I felt very anxious, as my heart beat was racing and i have previously had atrial fibrilation. Anyway, i got myself to the "Hospital" which consisted of 4 beds covered in blood, a doctor who could not speek english drinking whisky, a woman on the floor fitting with no one around her, and stary dogs everywhere. I could not breathe, my firneds were not allowed in and the pain my chest and back was in was IMMENSE. At this point in the hospital i also felt VERY spaced out, but that soetimes happened to me when i nwas anxious e.g learning to drive or before an exam. however this time it was different, i felt TOTALLY disconnected from my body. I was thrown on a bed, my top was rippeede off me, i was poked and told to "LEAVE YOU PULLED MUSCLE" that was all i got. I knew it was more than that, so i tried to book a flight back to the UK. There wasnt one for 3 days!
For 3 days i lay in a hotel room in Zante, In agony, my firneds did not know how to help, i had no medical help, i was stranded. Some how i managed to get on a plane which flew me back to london alone 3 days later, i then had a 2 hour car journey to my A & E.
At A & E they did about 50 tests on me , Scans Xrays, Blood tests NOTHING , only a "Minor Infection" which they say "may be casuing your back & chest pain". I could not walk, breathe or lie down properly yet it was a minor infection !? WTF !? A week passed, and my sharp pain turned into a dull aching crushing pain. It felt like i had an elephant on my chest and a point in my back, aswell as not being able to breathe. The doctor i saw was again no help, told me they had done evry single test they could and that I was fine, he also said i felt "Foggy headed" due to stress !?
Fast forward 18 MONTHS, 18 MONTHS !
And i still suffer from a sull aching pain in my upper right back, and a crushing pain in my neck & Chest. EVEN WORSE, i feel totally spaced out 24/7/ My vision is distorted dramatically, i cant see properly, i cant hear properly, i slur my speech sometimes, I wake up confused and dazed not knowing who or where I am, i have moments where i completley turn off then come around and dont know where I am, i feel SEDATED 24/7 I Feel DRUNK and DETATCHED 24/7 . I have tried Escitalopram, tried CBT & Nothing helps even a tiny bit, there is no more tests they can do on me, im 21 and this is no life !!!!!
What the hell is left for me to do, other than not try anymore and just want to die. I cant feel emotion only anger, i feel so spaced out ( I know i keep saying it, but no body understands how ill I feel) TOTALLY SEDATED !!!!
Please someone, i need advice and people to talk too like me, i need my life back and will do anything to get my clear head back. Imagine feeling spaced / zoned out for 18 months and having medicle professionals telling you "Your Fine"