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Emptiness and death

2859 Views 21 Replies 8 Participants Last post by  Sojourner
I haven't posted a new topic for such a long time but I had the urge this evening.

My level of anxiety has diminished somewhat but I'm having feelings of emptiness and apathy. Also it seems like I'm waiting for something to happen to finally make me realise that all this DP/DR is over. And my mind is constantly ruminating about the finality of death and the fact that it's awaiting all of us. And I keep thinking of all the people that were once part of my life that have now passed.

I'm amazed that so few people think about death. Here I am a conscious being and then nothing...incomprehensible nothing. No me, you, family, friends, thoughts, feelings, reality.....nothing. When I think of this stuff everything begins to lose all meaning. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, it's more a feeling of melancholy. I seem to be good at blocking my mind from thinking about it but that might be making these feelings worse. But what choice do I have. If I think about death, trying to understand it, it only leads to fear, sadness and unfortunately an increased level of DP.

I'm almost thinking of making myself believe in god and a heaven to alleviate this mood but I would only be lying to myself. Just wondering if anyone has had similar feelings?
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I'm only 19 and am already lamenting the passing of my life and the speed at which time seems to be going by. Life is not guaranteed by any means at all. I mean an earthquake just killed over 20,000 people in Asia, New Orleans was all but wiped off the map, A tidal wave killed hundreds of thousands of people, and an impending bird flu pandemic may lead to the death of tens of millions. It doesn't matter that I'm young, I'm made of flesh and blood like everyone else and am susceptible to disease and injury.

So I have anticipatory grief, in the sense that I'm anticipating many many different possibilities of pain, discomfort, and eventual death. Whether that death comes tomorrow or in 50 years it doesnt make a difference to me. The point is that I'm in a situation where I fear pain yet am forced to realize the inevitaability of great amounts of physical and mental pain regardless of what I do.

Hang in there. The ship is sinking but we're all on the same boat.
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