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Emptiness and death

2860 Views 21 Replies 8 Participants Last post by  Sojourner
I haven't posted a new topic for such a long time but I had the urge this evening.

My level of anxiety has diminished somewhat but I'm having feelings of emptiness and apathy. Also it seems like I'm waiting for something to happen to finally make me realise that all this DP/DR is over. And my mind is constantly ruminating about the finality of death and the fact that it's awaiting all of us. And I keep thinking of all the people that were once part of my life that have now passed.

I'm amazed that so few people think about death. Here I am a conscious being and then nothing...incomprehensible nothing. No me, you, family, friends, thoughts, feelings, reality.....nothing. When I think of this stuff everything begins to lose all meaning. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, it's more a feeling of melancholy. I seem to be good at blocking my mind from thinking about it but that might be making these feelings worse. But what choice do I have. If I think about death, trying to understand it, it only leads to fear, sadness and unfortunately an increased level of DP.

I'm almost thinking of making myself believe in god and a heaven to alleviate this mood but I would only be lying to myself. Just wondering if anyone has had similar feelings?
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I poorly try to describe how I think: there's a person, full of life or at least having hope for the future, doing her daily chors, thinking "hmm, that stain on the roof does look like Aunt Silvia, oh darn, that bitch is coming for dinner, thank god I'm going to get my breast implants and then let's see who's laughing BOOMB, she gets hit by an arrow or something. And then her stupid or brilliant ideas exist no more. She's been wiped out forever. Nothing's left from her. Her pathetic little life is over. And in a thousand years she and almost everyone she knew will be totally forgotten. The feeling that's left from this is "what's the point, my thoughts have no value at all, I should finish myself before I make myself more pathetic." And yet I realize this is caused by an "illness" or whatever, but realizing it doesn't keep the thoughts coming.
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