[Milan]

I haven't posted a new topic for such a long time but I had the urge this evening.

My level of anxiety has diminished somewhat but I'm having feelings of emptiness and apathy. Also it seems like I'm waiting for something to happen to finally make me realise that all this DP/DR is over. And my mind is constantly ruminating about the finality of death and the fact that it's awaiting all of us. And I keep thinking of all the people that were once part of my life that have now passed.

I'm amazed that so few people think about death. Here I am a conscious being and then nothing...incomprehensible nothing. No me, you, family, friends, thoughts, feelings, reality.....nothing. When I think of this stuff everything begins to lose all meaning. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, it's more a feeling of melancholy. I seem to be good at blocking my mind from thinking about it but that might be making these feelings worse. But what choice do I have. If I think about death, trying to understand it, it only leads to fear, sadness and unfortunately an increased level of DP.

I'm almost thinking of making myself believe in god and a heaven to alleviate this mood but I would only be lying to myself. Just wondering if anyone has had similar feelings?

 

[widescreened]

Me too bigtime.Since I was a child,I used to stay awake all night worrying about death,the afterlife,heaven and hell,to such an extent that I thought about nothing else and my motivation to do things was based on avoiding damnation.I went thru a prriod of blaming my catholic upbringing for this,but have since realized that all religious beliefs have this theme,so I would have focused on it eventually.Now I have an a la carte attitude to religion:heaven and hell are what we make of the here and now rather than leaving it conveniently over the horizon.As for the fear of death,its going to happen so forget about it.Find a belief system that accommodates reincarnation so as you can get comfort in the wheel of life rather than black and white belief systems.

 

[terri*]

Hi Milan,

I have recently learned of this term anticipatory grief. It sounds a bit like what you have and is alot like what I have. My problem arises from thinking of life flying by, people my age are starting to die, my parents are nearing the end of their lives and I get overwhelmed at the sense of loss I will be having to endure. Have you ever had your will done? They read it back to you after they have it all typed up. I started wailing at the end as I realized, well, there you have it... I'm dead and gone.

I bought a book recently to help me cope with preparing for my future losses and all it did was send me spiraling into depression over my future demise. :shock:

I do have beliefs, but unfortunately I don't find comfort in all the sad things that happen in life. A girlfriend of 20 years called yesterday to say she had been diagnosed with breast cancer...and so the waiting begins anew. I have lost 2 friends so far to it. I have lost friends to alcoholism, ovarian cancer, old age. I get overwhelmed with this feeling of loss.

So, here it what I am doing to work on it...trying to shove that sh&t as far down as possible! If you don't think about it, it ain't there, right? No, wrong. :?

This is basically a reply to say...move over, we'll share the same boat, if that's okay with you?

 

[Scattered]

I'm only 19 and am already lamenting the passing of my life and the speed at which time seems to be going by. Life is not guaranteed by any means at all. I mean an earthquake just killed over 20,000 people in Asia, New Orleans was all but wiped off the map, A tidal wave killed hundreds of thousands of people, and an impending bird flu pandemic may lead to the death of tens of millions. It doesn't matter that I'm young, I'm made of flesh and blood like everyone else and am susceptible to disease and injury.

So I have anticipatory grief, in the sense that I'm anticipating many many different possibilities of pain, discomfort, and eventual death. Whether that death comes tomorrow or in 50 years it doesnt make a difference to me. The point is that I'm in a situation where I fear pain yet am forced to realize the inevitaability of great amounts of physical and mental pain regardless of what I do.

Hang in there. The ship is sinking but we're all on the same boat.

 

[Guest]

i think about it ALL the time......i'm just convinced that this is the way things are for me...i'm thinking of seeing a therapist...

 

[Milan]

Thankyou all for replying.

I really want to reply to each one of your posts but it just seems like quite a chore at the moment but I really do appreciate you guys taking the time to post a reply.

Terri I would love you to join me on my boat as I was beginning to feel a wee bit lonely and dejected. As for our method of shoving this crap as far down as we can being an ineffective way of dealing with this problem, stiff! I've tried other ways but to no avail. Being ignorant like the rest of the population seems to be the best thing to do.

Terri a quick side note, what does the * mean at the end of your name? Do you take it as a wild card? Just curious.

 

[terri*]

Lovely day for an outing in the old boat, don't you think?

When I first came to this board, a couple of years ago, I initially thought two things...I was one of the oldest people here and that I had had dr longer then most. So I choose longtimer as my "name". Well then I found out how old Janine was 8) ( :lol: ), no really, then I realized there were those who had had it way past my years. i decided at some point I wanted to authenticate myself and use my real name. When I went to pick terri it was already taken. There was a quy on the board at that time who used an * after his name, so I thought it was as easy as anything else to differentiate myself. ( I've never seen the original Terri post. :? )

So that, my little sleepyhead, is the long story of how the * came to be.

Oh look, a beautiful flock of geese! Oh maannn, hating they did that on your head. :shock: See, it appears sometimes we just can't get away from some kinds of sh$t.

:lol:

Row faster, my man, row faster!!

 

[Milan]

Terri thanks for your reply, you put a smile on my face.

You and and Rainboteers bring so much warmth and compassion to this board and all of us are lucky to have you both here. It's strange as I've never met you two and yet through your words I can really feel how empathetic and gracious you two are. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!

Actually, I just got to work and I was feeling very low. My whole existence feels so fragmented this morning and it's really bringing me down. Feeling confused and unsure of myself in this reality, mind and body. Feels like I don't belong here, that I need to wake up, die or something to get back to my normal world. After reading your post Terri* it made me feel better. Now that's got to be a good thing.

Enough talk - got to get back to the oars and row.

:Terri* screaming through a megaphone:

Stroke......stroke......stroke........

 

[Guest]

When I first came to this board, a couple of years ago, I initially thought two things...I was one of the oldest people here and that I had had dr longer then most. So I choose longtimer as my "name". Well then I found out how old Janine was ( ),

made me spit my Diet Pepsi all over my lap.

Death THOUGHTS to you! LOL..... LOLOLOLOLOLOL

- Janine
p.s. Laughter is the best-known antidote for death ruminations.

 

[Sojourner]

It has been said that our comfort is closer to us than we are to ourselves.

 

[bright23]

I spent so long obsessed about my imminent death that never came... I got DP because of it.

But now DPs gone and obsessive rumination on death is gone tof course, I'm hyper aware when I walk into a busy street. I'm not interested in dying any time soon but...

I've lost my brother, my father, and a lover. Those events are the most emotionally powerful and truly human experiences I know.

Death puts us all on the spot... it's best if we can let our grief flow out and through us as soon as possible, immediately is the ideal. It has a way of blocking us up our hearts and festering in our minds if we don't... making some of us mentally unstable, some depressed, and some emotionally frigid until we eventually figure out how to let go of it all completely.

Unfortunately for many of us humans, letting go/freedom from psychological bondage doesn't come til very late in the game... until the moment of our death, when all of us must let go of everything, shed our skin... entire lives lived with deadened, sublimated emotional pain.

My uncle spent the last few years of his life incapacitated by tears and terrible fear of his future death. Oxygen tank, lying in bed, crying. Totally sad.

But we all make that choice for ourselves...

 

[maria]

I poorly try to describe how I think: there's a person, full of life or at least having hope for the future, doing her daily chors, thinking "hmm, that stain on the roof does look like Aunt Silvia, oh darn, that bitch is coming for dinner, thank god I'm going to get my breast implants and then let's see who's laughing BOOMB, she gets hit by an arrow or something. And then her stupid or brilliant ideas exist no more. She's been wiped out forever. Nothing's left from her. Her pathetic little life is over. And in a thousand years she and almost everyone she knew will be totally forgotten. The feeling that's left from this is "what's the point, my thoughts have no value at all, I should finish myself before I make myself more pathetic." And yet I realize this is caused by an "illness" or whatever, but realizing it doesn't keep the thoughts coming.

 

[Martinelv]

Milan - ask yourself a question. Why are you torturing yourself? Because that is exactly what you are doing. Consuming yourself with thoughts of death. Thinking that you must answer this question to give you peace. That is question is the most important thing in your life, and question that just has to be answered. Let me tell you friend, these questions don't have answers, or do all the other cosmic questions that haunt us during DR/DP/. And once you think you've come to so conclusion to this matter, do you think that your obsessions are going to let you rest?

In fact - and this is very important, and I don't know whether Janine will back me up with this - when my DR/DP faded, my obsessions (and I've had them all) increased ! It was almost like the obsession decided the suckle the dying DR/DP, and whoosh, back it came. Do you see how self-defeating this is? Bullshit. I'm not being hard on you mate, because I like you, but you are just obsessing. Obsessing, obsessing obsessing.

Don't let people encourage you that it's normal to constantly obsess about death or whatever, because it' not. Ask yourself, do you want to be happy? Even if happyness involves ignorance? I'll drink to that.

I'm amazed that so few people think about death. Here I am a conscious being and then nothing...incomprehensible nothing. No me, you, family, friends, thoughts, feelings, reality.....nothing.

Why are you amazed? And what is there to be afraid of incomprehensible nothing? Nothing at all! Less tham nothing! It's like being constantly terrified about a dreamless sleep. (I know what you're going to say - 'Yeah, but at least we know we'll wake up!!!!) What's the points of being afraid? You seem to think it's a natural to obsess about death to the point that it interferes with your life. I do understand, however, the fear of not living, not being alive, which is entirely different from death. Friends, family, loves, hopes, you don't want to lose them. So unless you're religious, I'd say the best bet is to make the most of them while you're alive. For christs sake, stop obsessing about death......live man!!! LIVE !!! A certain fear of death is natural, but not to this extent.

Sorry mate - not getting at you. Had a very depressive weekend and i am sick and tired of mental illness. Sick to the stomach, and as long as I'm breathing I'll do my best to stop people torturting themselves in this way.

 

[Milan]

Wow! I thought this was going to be a two post thread. Actually surprised at how many people have responded. Thanks all.

Martin, the tone of my post was probably a little darker than what I wanted it to be. I don't actually obsess about death as much as you may think. Agree that I obsess about DP/DR and other things but death is not a major obsession though it does rise up into my consciousness on occasions like the other night.

Sometimes DP makes me feel overwhelmed by the concept of existence and then when I think of the opposite existence, death, I enter this state which is unbearably strange, surreal and weird. Hard to explain but this feeling normally brings along my good old buddy anxiety which then compounds the DP. This feeling may be the reason why at times I get so worked up about death. If the feeling wasn?t so strong it would be a fleeting thought like it is for most people then you get back to paying the bills and feeding the pets.

Maybe at times I'm worried that I'm getting older and things just haven?t happened as planned (and I'm becoming very much more accepting of that as each day passes). I might also be worried that this DP/DR might have more legs than I have life left. Not really sure. But I can assure you that I do try to make the most of what I have each day and I love the fact that I'm blessed with such wonderful family and friends.

Yes - I'm all for ignorance! 'Ignorance is Bliss' is the song I sing constantly in my mind. I have nothing against ignorance apart from the fact that it is sh!t hard to BE ignorant at times.

Thanks guys for all your thoughts I appreciate your concern. Nice to know people care.

PS Bright23 good to see you back. Haven?t seen a post from you for a while. Was wondering if you had left for good.

PPS Sojourner. A couple of months ago your were all over the board. You?ve become very subdued lately. Have you lost that edge of yours?

 

[Martinelv]

A couple of months ago your were all over the board. You?ve become very subdued lately. Have you lost that edge of yours?

I fear, because of our past clashes, that he/she thinks I'll moderate everything she/he posts. I promise I won't. I haven't moderated a goddam thing, and while I don't agree with most of his/her posts, they never descend into slanging matches so they will stay where they are. If fact, in the past I've been the one slinging insults, and I apologise.

Difference of opinion is good.

 

[terri*]

" I haven't moderated a goddam thing,..."

Well then what good are ya?

:lol:

"Difference of opinion is good." :shock: This is bait for his own evil, people. Be afraid, be very afraid. :shock:

 

[Martinelv]

:lol:

You always bring a smile to my face Terri*, even when everything is shadow.

I keep a very watchfull eye. Thing is, since I've come moderator, everyone has been really nice. I revel in my power to instill fear in the lesser man.

This is bait for his own evil, people. Be afraid, be very afraid

Have ye not noticed how good I've been?

 

[terri*]

Honey, you have been so good. It is quite the shame.

Even in the religious section you just didn't seem to carry out that one, two punch.

:shock: Perchance this is why you're depressed!!!

Kind of like Popeye and his spinach...

You need to bitch, you need to raise hell, you need to delete !!!

Who will offer themselves up as the sacrificial lamb?? Janine tried once, but he was too afraid of her. 8)

No, we need our strongest gladiator of warmongering to step up to the plate. Who shall it be???

 

[Martinelv]

Sometimes DP makes me feel overwhelmed by the concept of existence and then when I think of the opposite existence, death, I enter this state which is unbearably strange, surreal and weird

Milan mate, it is the same flavour of the same obsession. Do you see what I'm getting at? The obsession is the cause, the root, the be all and end all. Life, death, existence, etc, it's all the same. Obsessions feed on our fears and uncertainties.....and what could be more terrifying than death and all the rest?

I'm not blaming you, because it's natural to ponder these things when we are in the DR/DP state...but everyone thinks this, fleetingly...but they don't 'obsess' out it. Which, therefore, is our problem.

 

[terri*]

We must have posted at the same time.

You're being so good.
I'm going back to bed.

(good advice btw...for a moderator. :wink: )

Yawn...