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33 Posts
I think we have to find a balance between moving on with life and trying to figure out how to get out of this mess. It dissociates us from life. And always thinking about our past can further and the cause can further dissociate us from life. I need to relax. I need to feel safe. This is what we need I think. I think it is very hard to be present in a social situation if we have no feeling of self. The problem for me was a feeling of always having to think about if I was being myself is this how I would act is this what I would say, why do I feel so weird. So I could not really focus on what was going on. My brain has not allowed me to get in touch with myself for so long. I have had a constant inner voice that does not feel normal at all and it is making me think about everything and not about what I should be thinking about. Today I cried so much and it felt so good. I finally felt that my mind could calm down when I started feeling the emotional pain of having lived like this for almost two years. It is very hard. My finally made me have access to a portion of myself it felt like. I remember before my depersonalization started I think I caused abused on myself in some way because I was ashamed of being the person I was in front of some of my friends. I did things just to prove I was as confident as my friends. I would go up to strangers and do stupid shit just so that people would see me as a very confident person. And what surprised me was that when I walked up to a stranger and talked with them I felt very comfortable. But I felt comfortable because I was not being myself. I was not being myself so it was very easy. I did not have to deal with my anxiety, my insecurities. I talked in a different way. I behaved in a different way. Acted silly but I felt very comfortable and confident. I did the same when I had to read in front of the class. I read with a different accent. I embarrassed myself intentionally but I managed to at least deal with the situation. I knew that if I had to read as myself I would not be able to. It was much easier depersonalizing in some way in a state of mind where I was not depersonalized. What happened was that people started to see me as a confident person. I was able to go up to strangers and say stupid shit. My friends were impressed. Man was I a stupid teenager. I was able to read with a different voice not caring about what the teacher said. But in reality I was completely different from the person I portrayed myself as. I felt the need to even further be hyper-aware and controlling so that no one would in fact find out who I was. So I always had to think, control, be hyper-aware around people so that my ego would remain intact and so that people around me would continue to think what I wanted them to think. And making sure that things would make sense for them and for me. With all of these stupid dysfunctional thinking patterns it was hard for me to just be comfortable in the world. I cried in front of my mom, opened myself up to my sister. Showing who I really am and what I struggle with is making reality a much more peaceful place. Allowing myself to just relax in the world and be myself and admitting my insecurities and darkest secrets. It brings me so much shame in admitting all of this but I think it is very healthy. When my dp started and read that the main cause is anxiety and stress I did not accept it. How could I dare to do walk up to a stranger and do stupid shit and struggle with anxiety. I thought that it was impossible. How could a confident person like me struggle with anxiety. I had a very distorted sense of self. I think coming back to yourself means coming back to a lot of shit but it is so fucking worth it. And for me at least I am so ready to come back to reality. And if that means dealing with painful emotions, and things about myself that I really hate, I will. Trying to see where the problem lies is very difficult but it is so much easier if you really feel safe I think. I think maybe talking about my experience in some way will help people. I still struggle with a very weird feeling of self. But it seems like my brain is doing progress.
