What a day. I started out with fear, as seems to be so common these days, that I would fall back intot he horrible dp/dr. Then I was ok, then I keep getting this mixtures of absolute hopelessness, panicky feelings, dp/dr, and other things. I'm starting to freak out and think that maybe it's not dp/dr and that I have a brain tumor, because my brain feels funny, like it's about to melt or explode or something like that. The hopelessness and panic are the worst...I'm starting to feel that I'm completely lost and have no hope of ever getting better. Of course, this makes it worse and i go downward in a spiral. I just feel so trapped, like there is no where to go, and like life is so pointless. Part of this is because I'm not doing anything with my life that is worthwhile, really. I work at the grocery store (and it's a BAD place for me, i get so angry and so upset there, all the time, but I've been doing it for five years, and I'm good at it, so I'm scared to leave), I am not dating anyone, i'm back at home with my parents, i'm depressed again, and I barely hang out with friends. It all just seems so futile and like life is so pointless.
Another strange thing...(this has a religious undertone, but more just an example of something in me) I was reading a book by John Shelby Spong where he talks about Paul, and his letters, and he talks about how Paul's guilt was great over several things and how in Jesus he felt this amazing love that was unconditional and that he could never be outside of. Well, my mind kind of got overwhelmed, and I just thought 'that's me.' I think I am so scared of being loved, and so sure that I can't be loved unconditionally that it was like this bolt in me, like "man, maybe THAT'S a big issue here." This reminds me of the previous post about our fear of being loved, especially as we are. I dunno, it struck a chord in me. Also, i've been feeling a really big need to cry recently, a lot, but I can't seem to. I think it would help my feelings a lot, but I've been way too conditioned, maybe it is, not to cry. I have a hard time doing it, nonetheless. I almost cried once in therapy, but I stopped myslef, didn't want my therapist to see me cry. Does anyone else have this problem, and think that just CRYING might relieve some of the anxiety and other problems?
Sorry for the rambling post, but I've just got a million things running through my mind right now. I'm in mental pain, i guess it is, and I'm scared I'm just going to melt away into nothing if i'm not careful. Sigh. :?
