[livinginhell333]

i have absolutely none... whatsoever and nothing makes me happy. if having dp isn't the most loneliest* feeling in the world then i don' t know what is. seeing a cute little child or baby doesn't really put a smile on my face or make me feel good inside. people that i used to be so happy to see like my friends well, they don't really make me feel good.

i used to love playing basketball and watching it that used to make me happy and feel good and listening to music i used to hear every sound, beat whatever. it used to make me feel great, now its just noise and means nothing. i can't believe my life could have turned out this way.

also my skin is like numb so. like say i pinch it or bite it, it doesn't hurt at all even if i pinch or bite real hard. if someone punches me in the stomach it doesn't really hurt at all. i just want to feel good again about sports music, people girls, everything.

i guess caring all those years about everything and everyone caught up to me. i used to care so much about my friends and family and used to love little kids now its just nothing and i really want it back. i used to be such a caring loving person, now i really don't care about anything. seeing my mom still puts a smile on my face at least and i fake smile in front of my friends sometimes, just so i look kinda alive, but i don't feel alive when i smile in front of them.

i rarely laugh because i don't find things funny anymore and when i do laugh it doesn't feel good if you know what i mean so i don't even bother laughing. why laugh if it doesn't make you feel better? i used to laugh at like anything and just like stupid things...those days are gone and i hope to get it back. anyone else going through something like this? all i have is hope that i will return to normal one day, the question is when that day will be? i'm only 20 so this is going to have to end sooner or later. i just hope i don't have to wait a few years or 5-10 years. that would suck. 20-30 are supposed to be good years. not a good start to my good years. espiacially now i should be out with people laughing having a good time and partying, but i'm not and its killing me inside.

 

[Guest]

unfortunatley for me you are not alone. i feel the same way. complete zombie. just saw a shrink about it and for the first time i wasnt thrown pills. he was honest and said that empathy is hard to treat but is best treated through therapy. even though i feel hopless, i still tell myself that things can be ok. keep fighting, make yourself active even though you don't feel like it, go for a walk even though you may feel no relief. one thing i do know is that things will not get better sitting around, not that i think you are just sitting around. this reply is as much for me is it is for you, you gotta try to remain positive even when you feel dead. i have a girlfriend and it kills me that i dont feel that strongly about her, i don't want to end it because i know there is still hope. very rairly i will have feelings of peace ar happyness, these moments i try to be thankful for and relax and allow myself to feel. part of it for me is i don't think i deserve positive feelings. keep fighting, you are not alone in your lonlyness.

 

[bat]

hi

i know you don't feel any positive emotions but do you feel any negative ones other than loneliness?

 

[livinginhell333]

no not really any negative emotions. sometimes i hate how other people are normal and living their lives, and i am stuck like this not knowing when i get out. its kinda frustratrating knowing i could have been like them and my life could have been good.

 

[person3]

Livinginhell, how did this all start for you?

And don't worry...you will get your good life. It will all be worth it in the end. You have to believe me here. It won't make you "stronger" but in a way it will...i dunno...it makes everything in life so much more important.

PS talking with my friends, the "twenties" are actually a really shitty time for the majority of people. REALLY bad. Not just us. The whole transition period hits hard for over half of the population. So don't worry about this myth of the best years of your life. Any year you feel good, THAT is the best year of your life.

I used to always think i was missing out on something if i wasn't THERE...another obesssion...and i think the fear of missing out on the best years of my life was another part of it...a far more RATIONAL part of it but the worry i fed into it perpetuated it.

But I didn't miss out on anything. anything at all. It started when I was 19. I am 23 now. Not fully recovered but learning things about myself and my life that even BEFORE dp totally eluded me...and would have helped a lot back then. But now having gone through the "fall"...gets me so much closer to who I really am, where I need to be.

to paraphrase Des, DP is kind of an "alarm" in your mind that your life is not going in the right direction. not like it's going in a BAD direction, it's just not coinciding with what YOU really are and what YOU really want.

It will be so much richer and better than you can imagine.

YOu will be so much more responsibile and confident than your peers.

You will be able to do all the things you USED to do...better.

I am an AMAZINGLY better artist than I used to be. I can draw faces in minutes. I can hit notes and sing in ways I could not sing four years ago. I can play a mean racquetball game like it's the last game i'll ever play and i don't bow out early because "iiimmmm tiiiired". I can sit through the most hellishly boring real estate classes (although barely! but that's normal!) because I've learned a level of responsibility that I NEVER had before. I live more for myself than I used to. I am far better at catching relationship errors early on (That was a VERY recent lesson, Janine ) I have better relationships because of it. I care more about people. I have better relationships with my family and admire the hell out of them. I am more involved with my synagogue. I stand up for myself more. I work harder. I am more here. Even when I don't feel here, which is under incredible management now..i guess you can say...i'm here. I understand my obsessions and can catch and fix them easier. I can take a break and be like "ok, this is what i did wrong."

I can take risks that most people won't take.

I can get up in front of a crowd and sing or speak like it's nothing.

I can tell people the truth (sometimes!)

I have no more secrets...i have told people almost everything about myself. No more hiding. And THAT is incredible (dp was also a sign for me to "fess" up my secrets...my secret thoughts and fantasies and habits and motivations...feels SO MUCH BETTER to have removed those blocks)

I may have "lost" a few years, but oh boy in reality i did NOT lose them. I gained what most people would maybe have in their thirties. and I'm 23. Twenty fucking three.

And because i understand so much more, i have avoided some awful mistakes that others have made. I have seen as other people have fallen into patterns of downward spiraling and thought to myself "hah...been there...know better."

Yeah. I feel pretty damn good.

Even if y'all think i'm a bitch on here.

But, livinginhell333, what you will learn when you get through this will give you so much power and ability and truth and strength that you will grow to love the journey. You will grow to really love yourself. And you will be incredible.

Just hang in there. And don't stop looking for avenues to discover the real you.

 

[agentcooper]

to paraphrase Des, DP is kind of an "alarm" in your mind that your life is not going in the right direction. not like it's going in a BAD direction, it's just not coinciding with what YOU really are and what YOU really want.

not for everyone. some people get it from taking normal prescription drugs such as allergy medicine and birth control pills...that's how i got it.

 

[livinginhell333]

for me it all started with smoking pot. then i have never been the same. it sucks that i have no feeling physically and emotionally. i feel weightless. if i hit myself in the chest it doesn't hurt. sunny days don't make me feel good either.

if i'm lieing in bed it doesn't feel as my body is actually lying in bed. it feels like a ghost. i don't feel texture of things. like soft, hard, what not. i don't really feel things in my hand. i can't feel my arms, legs, whole body pretty much. my arms are just there, my legs just use to walk, but when i walk it seems like someone else is doing it. i just feel like i am floating. my face if i pinch it it doesn't hurt, bite my tongue that doesn't really hurt.

i can't feel a kiss or a hug. even my lips and nose don't feel like there mine. i comb my hair and it doesn't hurt even when i comb in like hard. i don't feel the hair on my head. it feels like my head isn't mine. all of this is just really horrible and i have no idea when it will end. i see my brother having the life knowing that i used to be just like him and i have no idea when i will get my life back. i've lost everything i used to enjoy. sports, music, girls, just life in general. i don't know if i have more than just dp/dr or just the extremely bad symptoms of it. also, my skin just doesn't seem like its mine at all.

i just don't know when all this s*it will end so i can actually feel my body. feel a hug, feel my moms or anyone else's hand when i hold it, feel myself actually in the shower or in the bed, feel a basketball in my hand when i am dribbling it, feel the ground under my feet, feel the chair i am sitting in, feel when someone touches me or when i bump into something. my friend keeps telling me its cuz of the drugs and that i did this to myself and that i did a bad thing cuz i smoked and he's never done stuff like that. of course i regret doing it now knowing what it has done to me, but i can't go back in time. believe me though i really would if i could. i just gotta hope that one day things will be good or at least better in a sense that i can feel and touch and maybe one day feel my body at least so i can play basketball at least. i just want to be able to do that..do something. i'm tired of waiting.

 

[livinginhell333]

thanks for the the inspiring post person3 it made me feel kinda good and gave me hope that i can one day get to that stage. it made me think that one day i will be able to play basketball like its the last time i will ever play or hear a song like its the last song i will ever hear and appreciate it. i used to be like this like last year i appreciated music and played basketball like it was the last time, hopefully when i'm back i will appreciate it even more.

 

[agentcooper]

living, you certainly don't need a friend like that!!!! who gave him the right to be that judgemental? you need to surround yourself with people who are supportive. that is absolutely key to success with curing yourself(or at least feeling better about it). get rid of him or talk to him. no one deserves to go through what you are going through...regardless of how you have gotten dp.

 

[livinginhell333]

i tried talking to him sometimes he says it will get better but most of the time he thinks its nothing. he keeps saying you got yourself into this you can get yourself out of it. he doesn't understand. he says i have been acting weird like talking to myself. i do that sometimes in the morning cuz i wake up frustrated. i'm not really talking to myself i'm trying to talk to god, but i guess thats like talking to yourself.

 

[agentcooper]

i really think that is part of the reason why you are so depressed. you need to surround yourself with good, supportive people. why would your friend be so callous if you are obviously hurting? you need to think about that question and think of how you would treat him if he were in pain. i really don't think you would behave that way, and you don't need people in your life who do.

 

[Monkeydust]

Livinghell

Neither I, nor anyone else here, can tell you when things are going to start getting better for you.

What I can say, however, is that what you are doing now is not working.

This isn't your fault, of course; it's very hard to work out how to overcome these things. But, right now, you seem to be heading in the "wrong direction". You can't just "sit and wait" for things to get better, nor can you expect prayer to cure you. Neither work.

So my advice is - and, believe me, I know it is easier said than done - that you should (1)Get a proper diagnosis, if you haven't already. The feelings you may be having now might well be related to the psychotic break you said you had. (2) Try and get some therapy if you can; it should help somewhat. (3) Really push yourself back out into the world again. It will feel "fake", it probably won't feel quite right - but do it anyway. Maybe go back to basketball or start going to the gym. (4)Consider trying some medication, or something different to what you're trying now. (5) You might want to see a neurologist to rule out any other causes.

That's all I can think of right now. I hope things start getting better for you soon.