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So, I was wondering if I had depersonalization/derealization. I had an apparitional contact experience at 8. Came upon a female girl staring sternly at me. Locked in a gaze. Frozen in fear.

In 2006 I had two sessions of where I was sober before ever any drug use barring coffee in morning at most. 1 cup. The sense of my ego slipping in conjunction to the alien sense of what is anything/what is reality. I fought it both times and returned to sober waking reality (whatever that is).

Fast forward to 2011. I did cannabis. I was online in my room alone. Started overthinking on the nature of self and reality. I started getting intrusive thoughts.

Ran outta cannabis eventually that year of plants I grew and in early 2012 I experimented with Amanita Muscaria. Very intense immersive experiences of otherness. Nonordinary consciousness. Took too much and went biking. Went unconscious, ended up in hospital. Was fine afterward, same birth soul feeling/experience.

Then May 21, 2012. I took plain robitussin DXM and delsym DXM. I was with one high school associate and his friends. On a porch at night. I started to feel dizzy. Lightheaded. Went unconscious hard. Whatever unconsciousness really is. I woke up a few times, fighting for awareness. They left me to practically die on that porch.

My school associate told me I was unconscious for "a good 5 minutes." I woke up finally. Disoriented and like I had to vomit but couldn't. On car ride back with my dad driving me and the high school associate back to our homes I had a distinct sense. That something about me was altered hardcore. A serious wrong sense of something major dire having occurred. The way my soul felt to itself.

Later I interpretated it as brain damage. And was struck by the sense that my loss of feeling, emotion, memory, sensation, cognition was damaged and lost and that that implied when I died as well as everyone we'd be nonexistent forever. I became atheist. Very nihilistic and miserable. A constant ringing present in my soul or ears. Buzzing like randomized static and high pitched ringing like all the oxygen was sucked out of my headspace, still right now even.

The framerate of my visual perception lagging as I watched cars go down the neighborhood street, which that itself eventually did fix itself. Became schizophrenic shortly after. Paranoia and intrusive thoughts about infinite pain at death. And solipistic sense hardcore as if I was God that failed or killed everyone else/everyone was compressed into my soul/head and they were burning in horror.

Epic guilt. Antipsychotics. Mental ward stays. Eventually jumped 30 feet off my parents roof. I spent half a year in hospital. Blood transfusion. Wheelchair. Relearned to walk. Then more overdoses on tablets and medications leading to hospitalizations and mental wards again.

Finally got less isolative experience. But arrested for cannabis posession (a felony 4 because of the amount I had for myself), since 2018. Still waiting to be off probation and having to attend drug treatment center groups right now over it. Spent 6 months in jail and a level 1 prison for drug use over cannabis.

Finally off all pharmaceuticals. Stronger and better and more knowing than ever. Still the mystery of May 21 is consuming a bit. Did I have an out of body experience? While unconscious and seizing. They said I had pinpoint pupils and probably had a seizure. I was snoring while unconscious and seizing they said. The lack of emotion, feeling and sensation still messes with me today.

Just what happened that night. Did I have an epic ego death near death experience. I have an oddball memory sense of feeling the reality of being everyone/everything ever simultaneously. Immensity of sensation, vulnerable, exposed as the ultimate feeling-infinity. No vision or body or world during that state. And those same kids on the porch in a twilight realm. As if an alternate reality. The human faces looked alien grotesque.

So I really am still unsure exactly. But I think I went deep other side out of body near death experience ego death. My friend that has had depersonalization/derealization says that's what I got is DP/DR. I got brain scans, numerous types, but they didn't show brain cell death. I feel brain damaged though and unconscious convulsive seizing isn't psychological. It's physiological.

So do I have depersonalization/derealization from feeling/emotion itself? I felt so dead inside of emotion, still do. Yet I don't feel detached from my self identity of thinking and being a body. If anything I feel more self-bound. Tortured by intrusive superstitious psychic synchronistic oneness every day. I don't feel drug euphoria whatsoever anymore.

And lots of drugs, especially psychedelics don't even work or are missing the usual effect profile depth. Very shallow emotive engrossment sense. As if I stay sober on them or extremely shortlived. Started moment I came to from May 21.

What do you make of this? Perhaps my blood brain barrier got damaged and explains why drugs don't hit me, or just hypoxia of cellular death too subtle yet significant on a global level of brain/rearrangement of how my neurons interact and pathways or neurotransmitter limitation of operation.

But none of that really explains much at all. Because the brain is just a representation inside consciousness, a perceptual experiential ghost spacesuit filtering of reality (soul/us). More akin to a hallucinated dream called matter/physical, like this cosmos entangled between us.

I'm no longer atheist. In fact I feel kinda convinced everyone and everything is the literal exact same timeless experiencer. Only one being/nonbeing here as all infinity. It's been strange and rough, but I feel I'm God and she loves me as a localization of itself. As well as all everyone ever that same impersonal transpersonal nonlocal aware void/beingness that never began or ends
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