G
Guest
·i never really was bothered by this until i quit my job about 3 years ago.
although looking back, i think its possible it started in early childhood. i have always lived by a few phrases that helped me get through like "nothing is permanent" and "its all in your head". im sure others thought it odd when i would explain to them how "its all in your head" to recover from sickness and to do tough tasks. i used to have this mental switch that would flip when i had a task that was difficult, it would flip for a period of time allowing me to accomplish the goal with minimal friction. as the switch flipped i was no longer me, i was super me, while the real me stood behind in the safety of the shadow of super me and watched as if it were a movie. this i also tried to explain but, given the responses i stopped trying to explain everything altogether, whats the point. no one understands anyways. i often have to do the math to figure my age. im 28, married and have a daughter. currently i spend my time playing computer games that require total attention. im constantly looking for ways to keep my mind busy lest i begin to start thinking. i hate thinking. continuous analysis leads me in circles, somewhere i read the term analysis paralysis. wake in the morning and ponder a conversation i had years back, or try to make sense of lifes redundancy. in the end, after hours upon hours of measuring the possibilities at every angle, im still sitting in the chair having accomplished nothing only to wake up and do it again. i hate phones, 9 times out of 10 i will not answer them. my family(mom and dad and siblings) doesnt know why and i am unable to provide an answer, i wish they would forget about me. well, i quit my job 3 years ago. i figured i could do better on my own. i failed. thats when i was replaced with my current self. no feelings, happy, sad nothing. only hot, cold and fear. no hunger or thirst, no hate but there is love a tame version anyways. i just dont care, or wished that was true im not sure. thoughts appear at light speed without a common value, im thinking 1 thing and something totally different and unrelated takes center stage. trying to regain my previous thought only frustrates, although this has made many people laugh due to its frequency. i have flashes of normalcy lasting no longer than several minutes. i spend those minutes gathering as much info as possible to try to hold on to it for a few more minutes, but soon its gone. i lack the motivation to continue typing.
i apologise for polluting the board with this post
although looking back, i think its possible it started in early childhood. i have always lived by a few phrases that helped me get through like "nothing is permanent" and "its all in your head". im sure others thought it odd when i would explain to them how "its all in your head" to recover from sickness and to do tough tasks. i used to have this mental switch that would flip when i had a task that was difficult, it would flip for a period of time allowing me to accomplish the goal with minimal friction. as the switch flipped i was no longer me, i was super me, while the real me stood behind in the safety of the shadow of super me and watched as if it were a movie. this i also tried to explain but, given the responses i stopped trying to explain everything altogether, whats the point. no one understands anyways. i often have to do the math to figure my age. im 28, married and have a daughter. currently i spend my time playing computer games that require total attention. im constantly looking for ways to keep my mind busy lest i begin to start thinking. i hate thinking. continuous analysis leads me in circles, somewhere i read the term analysis paralysis. wake in the morning and ponder a conversation i had years back, or try to make sense of lifes redundancy. in the end, after hours upon hours of measuring the possibilities at every angle, im still sitting in the chair having accomplished nothing only to wake up and do it again. i hate phones, 9 times out of 10 i will not answer them. my family(mom and dad and siblings) doesnt know why and i am unable to provide an answer, i wish they would forget about me. well, i quit my job 3 years ago. i figured i could do better on my own. i failed. thats when i was replaced with my current self. no feelings, happy, sad nothing. only hot, cold and fear. no hunger or thirst, no hate but there is love a tame version anyways. i just dont care, or wished that was true im not sure. thoughts appear at light speed without a common value, im thinking 1 thing and something totally different and unrelated takes center stage. trying to regain my previous thought only frustrates, although this has made many people laugh due to its frequency. i have flashes of normalcy lasting no longer than several minutes. i spend those minutes gathering as much info as possible to try to hold on to it for a few more minutes, but soon its gone. i lack the motivation to continue typing.
i apologise for polluting the board with this post
