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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello @all,

since my one and only fearful (but not too much) experience with LSD @~60ug about 6 months ago, my feeling of being unreal, too real, as a child, with expanded awareness,
in complete relaxed conditions, in complete fearful conditions, known environment seems to be foreign (high contrast and less colorful), and so on, started. It fluctuates from day to day. Now it's a litte more stable. Sometimes I can't believe I'm still alive. Complete crazy shit. Most of these symptoms began after the trip.

Before the trip, I dealt with severe depression and fears. Also with some kind of depersonalisation/derealisation, but not as severe as it is now.
The idea behind it was, to treat my disorder with a LSD trip. But I wasn't able to let go on the trip. Perhaps the amount of LSD was too low.

Now I'm in a state, my perception seems to be restricted. In emotional and visual way. It feels like I'm pressed in a head with less consciousness. My Mind wants to perceive what he knows, but it isn't possible. Something like a blockade, like stuck. It also makes me headache in these Situations.
It mostly also seems, I look next to an object I am focusing on, to which I direct my gaze. Instead of being able to fixate on it directly.

Maybe someone made similar experience, has similar symptoms and will share it with me?

Thanks a lot.
Greets,
Heppi
 

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It mostly also seems, I look next to an object I am focusing on, to which I direct my gaze. Instead of being able to fixate on it directly
I also definitely have this. I notice it especially with people. When I am speaking with people and looking at them, it doesn't feel like I am looking at them in the eyes, but rather that I am looking at their eyes, if it makes sense, or most of the time near their eyes. Not that I am afraid to look at them in the eyes, and perhaps I am looking exactly where normal people look when they speak with each other, but I have the feeling that my visual perception, although technically correct, lacks the natural and straightforward meaning it should have, or I don't register it properly. It has been so for a long time and I got used to it now. I feel I am lacking the natural connection, but at least nobody around me seems to notice or care. It's like even when I am wide awake and staring at something, and I am as present as I can be on the task, I am still kind of half spaced out and not completely there.
 

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Now I'm in a state, my perception seems to be restricted. In emotional and visual way. It feels like I'm pressed in a head with less consciousness. My Mind wants to perceive what he knows, but it isn't possible. Something like a blockade, like stuck. It also makes me headache in these Situations.
It mostly also seems, I look next to an object I am focusing on, to which I direct my gaze. Instead of being able to fixate on it directly.
For about 5 years I’ve struggled with all this, and the gaze thing... have you ever tried to look directly at one small thing really hard and see your own eyes avert its gaze away for a millisecond and then coming back?

My own solution to rid myself of this being restricted has been to not focus on my thought, but to avert my “minds eye” away from obsession without effort. It’s just small ocd shit that ends up getting stuck in my mind like it’s glue. But you don’t fight it, trying not to have it happen makes it happen. That’s something you have to understand for yourself, I can’t quite put that into words to my satisfaction simply because my understanding of that is not really words
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks @Trith and @coolwhip27,

"....have you ever tried to look directly at one small thing really hard and see your own eyes avert its gaze away for a millisecond and then coming back?..."

Yes I have. It feels like it's not possible to focus on it for a longer time. It feels like a litte jumping view.

**
"My own solution to rid myself of this being restricted has been to not focus on my thought, but to avert my “minds eye” away from obsession without effort. It’s just small ocd shit that ends up getting stuck in my mind like it’s glue. But you don’t fight it, trying not to have it happen makes it happen. That’s something you have to understand for yourself, I can’t quite put that into words to my satisfaction simply because my understanding of that is not really words"

I absolutely know what you mean. At the moment I'm every day in fear, at least for some hours.
At the moment I'm in a Situation which is stressful for me. I will basically change my situation at the weekend. It feels like I will change my whole life. I know, everything depends on my thoughts. Yesterday I was a lot more relaxed with my thoughts and my derealisation was much better.

Thanks a lot,
Heppi
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I am convinced that fear plays the decisive role here. After my LSD trip, a whole lot of it came up.
I am now trying to face this fear. In any case, I can't go on living like this.
Have any of you also developed derealization from psychedelics?

Many greetings.
Heppi.
 

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Thanks @Trith and @coolwhip27,

"....have you ever tried to look directly at one small thing really hard and see your own eyes avert its gaze away for a millisecond and then coming back?..."

Yes I have. It feels like it's not possible to focus on it for a longer time. It feels like a litte jumping view.

**
"My own solution to rid myself of this being restricted has been to not focus on my thought, but to avert my “minds eye” away from obsession without effort. It’s just small ocd shit that ends up getting stuck in my mind like it’s glue. But you don’t fight it, trying not to have it happen makes it happen. That’s something you have to understand for yourself, I can’t quite put that into words to my satisfaction simply because my understanding of that is not really words"

I absolutely know what you mean. At the moment I'm every day in fear, at least for some hours.
At the moment I'm in a Situation which is stressful for me. I will basically change my situation at the weekend. It feels like I will change my whole life. I know, everything depends on my thoughts. Yesterday I was a lot more relaxed with my thoughts and my derealisation was much better.

Thanks a lot,
Heppi
Sir, I happen to be going through a very similar struggle as you. Sometimes my mind is in a cloud all day, the fear has no end and I have no where to go. When you notice that what you said is true, how you said “everything depends on my thoughts”, what do you do about it? It’s very obvious that if we follow the same pattern then we will be stuck in this fear which has no apparent reason forever. But does that mean we create new patterns, or must the whole development of patterns stop? Which means a quiet mind. Awareness itself taking over, not the battle inside.
It’s very interesting to hear someone have the same eye gaze thing. We’d probably find a lot of similarities in what we go through
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Hi Coolwhip27, the thoughts and fears are also very bad for me on some days. I'm really stuck in a hole that I'm having a hard time getting out of. On some days, when I have a different perception again, it's better again. It feels like my "old" perception and a "new" one are competing with each other. I've been through some crazy shit the past few months. It feels like every fear in life is thrown at you and I have to embrace it. Only then does my perception "rebuild" step by step. I've almost completely given up on resistance now. I now assume radically. On the very bad days I doubt everything very much and am totally depressed and hopeless. It is important to survive these days, because at this point in time I can't put myself in the better place. I now put my stressful and superfluous thoughts in a drawer and tell myself that there is no point in thinking about them now and that I would rather focus on my recovery. It has helped me a lot so far. Sometimes I don't even know where to go. I have absolutely no prospects for the future and am very depressed and anxious. On other days I can picture my future better and have more hope again. There are also hours that I can enjoy and I feel like I have full access to my old world of feelings and thoughts. But that happens very, very rarely. The development of patterns cannot be avoided, as this is the brain's "energy-saving" way of working. But they are changeable. You just have to recognize them. In order to embrace fear, one must go through fear. And that will be at a time when you are ready for it. For example, I am incredibly afraid of being abandoned or being alone, and on the other hand I am also very afraid of not being able to live out my freedom and not being able to be alone. A kind of inner emptiness has existed in me since my childhood. These aspects compete tremendously in me and lead to a conflict that has made me very depressed. The pattern behind this is that I always try to replace my inner emptiness with a partnership, but then I feel my freedom is in danger and I have to end the relationship as I am becoming more and more unhappy. This pattern then starts over and over again. In this case, it's important to be clear about my own values and, if necessary, to find the causes with the help of psychological support.

In the meantime, I don't care about a lot and I think to myself that it can't get any worse. I just do it now, even if most of the time it's not fun. I meditate, will do more sports again, meet friends and reflect regularly. Youtube helps me distract myself when needed. Getting enough sleep is also a very important factor that should not be underestimated. I've been on sick leave for 6 months. For this reason I can afford to organize my day quite freely. As I said, I just do it and very rarely enjoy it. Fighting is bad, you have to let go of the blockages you have built up. There will be more than was previously realized. I also have constant pressure in my head, I'm not really present and my visual perception varies greatly. It's all incredibly exhausting. However, friends and families are very helpful to me during this time.

Many greetings, Heppi
 

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Hi Coolwhip27, the thoughts and fears are also very bad for me on some days. I'm really stuck in a hole that I'm having a hard time getting out of. On some days, when I have a different perception again, it's better again. It feels like my "old" perception and a "new" one are competing with each other. I've been through some crazy shit the past few months. It feels like every fear in life is thrown at you and I have to embrace it. Only then does my perception "rebuild" step by step. I've almost completely given up on resistance now. I now assume radically. On the very bad days I doubt everything very much and am totally depressed and hopeless. It is important to survive these days, because at this point in time I can't put myself in the better place. I now put my stressful and superfluous thoughts in a drawer and tell myself that there is no point in thinking about them now and that I would rather focus on my recovery. It has helped me a lot so far. Sometimes I don't even know where to go. I have absolutely no prospects for the future and am very depressed and anxious. On other days I can picture my future better and have more hope again. There are also hours that I can enjoy and I feel like I have full access to my old world of feelings and thoughts. But that happens very, very rarely. The development of patterns cannot be avoided, as this is the brain's "energy-saving" way of working. But they are changeable. You just have to recognize them. In order to embrace fear, one must go through fear. And that will be at a time when you are ready for it. For example, I am incredibly afraid of being abandoned or being alone, and on the other hand I am also very afraid of not being able to live out my freedom and not being able to be alone. A kind of inner emptiness has existed in me since my childhood. These aspects compete tremendously in me and lead to a conflict that has made me very depressed. The pattern behind this is that I always try to replace my inner emptiness with a partnership, but then I feel my freedom is in danger and I have to end the relationship as I am becoming more and more unhappy. This pattern then starts over and over again. In this case, it's important to be clear about my own values and, if necessary, to find the causes with the help of psychological support.

In the meantime, I don't care about a lot and I think to myself that it can't get any worse. I just do it now, even if most of the time it's not fun. I meditate, will do more sports again, meet friends and reflect regularly. Youtube helps me distract myself when needed. Getting enough sleep is also a very important factor that should not be underestimated. I've been on sick leave for 6 months. For this reason I can afford to organize my day quite freely. As I said, I just do it and very rarely enjoy it. Fighting is bad, you have to let go of the blockages you have built up. There will be more than was previously realized. I also have constant pressure in my head, I'm not really present and my visual perception varies greatly. It's all incredibly exhausting. However, friends and families are very helpful to me during this time.

Many greetings, Heppi
I’ve gone through that, desiring relationship but then finding that it is obstructing your freedom. I would become obsessive and focus on the person too much. So it only obstructed my freedom because I let it, and the same probably applies to a lot of our overthinking, “Normal” people find it to easy to be in a relationship without it driving them crazy. I’d say that we are quite the overthinkers. Also I understand what you mean about rebuilding again. Only after you are thrown to the bottom and crash can you rebuild again. It’s like it’s easier to have nothing built up because then you have nothing to lose. Get it?

I would say though that i have to disagree with patterns being important. If you change your patterns you haven’t changed anything, because you’re still in patterns. When you do have access to your full thoughts and feelings, your senses are completely active and what you’re comprehending is fully relevant to right now. We become insensitive people because the past ends up dominating our present, which is what I mean by patterns.

ive learned that the more I try to wiggle my way loose the more I get stuck. Once I become afraid of entering that negative state again, I so desperately exert effort to avoid it. It seems like I can’t avoid it when that happens so I just fall in it. So what would it mean for your mind to “fall” into the right place? Unshakable security, unshakable peace of mind.
 

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To connect to what several people brought up about it feeling like when you look at an object you're looking at it feels like its not focusing on the object directly.

In meditation circles I saw some stuff about this, apparently meditators have this during the "dark night of the soul", its called centerlessness. It feels like you cant catch the "center point of attention" for a period of time, usually after a meditator unlocks some new wisdom from their subconscious mind has some breakthrough or something then in the processing it after can get into a dark night zone.

Here is an example of them talking about it on a meditation communty - RE: Centrelessness - Discussion - www.dharmaoverground.org


Although theyre not talking about dpdr i hope maybe it can be helpful, i actually felt like i couldnt find the center point for different periods of time and was confused about that. Unfortunately in my case I also had some sensory illusions too, not quite hallucinatory but it provoked anxiety for me at the time. I hope the meditation thing is relevant, I'm not really participating in meditation communities etc I did it for a few years before then stopped but still remember some of the theoretical stuff they post and books etc i was looking at the time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
@ecco2023

Thank you for your contribution. I am currently doing some mindfulness every day. It also feels like it is helping me a bit. Yesterday evening I was back to my usual awareness to a certain extent.

Do any of you also often have head pressure and total confusion after getting up? So really confused that you can't think clearly. As if something in the brain is competing with each other. I had this for the first time a few months ago. It always happened during the day and it felt as if I was somehow living in two worlds. I even woke up at night and didn't know what was happening to me. It is so extremely unpleasant.

Have any of you gotten these DPDR phenomena from LSD or mushrooms?

Many greetings,
Heppi
 
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